LEVI: As a dating couple, how do we know this is the time to take our relationship to the next level? By next level I mean marriage.
Hi Levi. The following questions will help you find out if your relationship is mature enough for marriage or not.
i) Do you want a marriage or do you just want a wedding?
That’s the first question that you should ask yourself. A wedding is for a day but a marriage is forever.
A wedding is sharing a weekend, but marriage is sharing a lifetime.
Do you think you now know your partner enough to trust her with the rest of your life?
Can you project how her strengths and weaknesses can impact your life whether negatively or positively? (The same goes for women).
The person you want to marry will either make your life better or bitter.
Wait when in doubt. Proceed if sure.
ii) Are you still keeping any secrets?
You can keep a secret until it no longer matters, but the fact that you kept it will always matter.
– MOFFAT MACHINGURA
Secret and suspicion go hand in hand, every time you keep a secret from your partner, you partner will keep the suspicion.
It’s not secrets that destroy a marriage, it’s suspicion.
If you still feel there is something important that you have kept hidden from your partner, or your partner might not be telling you, then your relationship is still immature for marriage.
Significant secrets include medical or mental condition, substance use, financial standing, debts, virginity, children in the former relationships, past incidents of abortion or miscarriage, sexual abuse, having been married before and a couple other secrets that your partner would be devastated to hear through rumours.
iii) Do you wish to change your partner in anyway?
If you are still wishing to change the person you love, then it shows you don’t love that person, you love the person that you wish he/she would be.
If God hasn’t changed your partner, what makes you think you will?
If you can’t live with who your partner really is right now, then it is life telling you to walk away before you waste your precious time and opportunities.
If you are still thinking “if it fails we will divorce and go separate ways” then just wait!
If you can’t see yourself passing the ten-year mark together – then your heart is telling you something that your mind could be denying.
Divorce must come as a surprise. Marry a person only when you are sure you will spend a lifetime together.
And don’t force that confidence.
If your heart is in doubt then give yourself some more time. Sometimes “the heart knows further than the eye has ever been.”
iv) Are you happy for each other or you are just happy together?
Beware of who doesn’t clap when you win.
Do you actively celebrate each other’s accomplishments or you secretly envy one another?
Beware of who doesn’t clap when you win.
Amie Gordon makes it very easy to notice. Next time you accomplish something great expect one of the following responses from your partner:
• Active-constructive response
“O wow, I’m so happy for you. All the hard work paid off. God is good.”
This shows your partner is really your partner and not your competitor. You are together in the battles and the victories.
If you have this relationship with someone, settling down could be easier and helpful.
• A passive-constructive response
“O that’s nice.” Followed by a warm smile.
This shows your partner is not really with you in your victory.
If it keeps happening, then it may mean you are not on the same page. Your victories are most probably your victories alone.
• An active-destructive response
“Does this mean you are going to be gone working even longer hours now? Are you sure you can handle it?”
It’s a complaint. Note it and consider its effects in the long term. Maybe you may not be “permitted” to keep pursuing what you desire.
If it keeps occurring on related matters, it could be a big sign that you don’t see eye to eye.
• Passive-destructive response
This person can ignore your topic altogether. You mention that you have been enlisted for promotion and your partner says:
“O, really? Well, I just can’t tell you who came to see me at work today!”
If this keeps recurring, then you are two worlds apart. Don’t force it.
Are you happy for each other? If yes then congratulations, one hurdle down.
v) Are you done with the “in love” phase?
Falling in love doesn’t make you ready for marriage, it’s growing in love that does.
Being “in love” with someone is totally different from loving that someone. Being “in love” is a chemical reaction that happens when you meet anyone who is attractive to you in any great way.
Why do we call it the chemistry of love? It is because, as studies show, the part of the brain that is stimulated when a person is “in love” is exactly the same part of the brain that is stimulated when a person is high on cocaine.
In other words the only difference between being “in love” and being high on drugs is that being “in love” is legal.
That is why we say “love is what remains when the feeling of love is gone away.”
You don’t know a person yet if you have only seen them through the eyes of being “in love.”
That’s because “Love” sees, but “in love” is blind.
When you meet someone you wish was special, give it a year to first let the “in love” feeling wash away – and give it another year to really know who they are.
Just like singer Phil Collins, in You Can’t Hurry Love, you could be also saying,
“No, I can’t bear to live my life alone, I grow impatient for a love to call my own…”
But I say remember the wise advice his mama told him,
You can’t hurry love
No, you’ll just have to wait
… love don’t come easy
Well, it’s a game of give and take
You can’t hurry love
No, you’ll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time.
– PHIL COLLINS | You Can’t Hurry Love
No matter how long it takes
God makes “everything beautiful in His time.” (Ecc 3:11) So “just trust in a good time no matter how long it takes.”
Next Question…
