i) Agree to Disagree
Every healthy relationship has a healthy level of disagreement.
An average dating couple will have two to three disagreements per week, and a married couple will have about two serious arguments every month.
The point is, disagreements are a characteristic of every relationship, even good and healthy ones.
We must “agree to disagree.” That means we must let each other know arguments don’t mean we love each other any less, they only mean we are two people who love each other and are trying to make a life that accommodates both of us.
Life is built by bringing different thoughts, beliefs, goals and moods together.
Sometimes bringing them together can be hard, but with time we will find we are actually making progress.
ii) Keep small things as small things
If he surprises you with a blue blouse and you say “O honey, but I wanted a purple one instead – thanks anyway” you just clearly told him that you don’t appreciate his present.
You just told him the whole day window shopping and internet searching he made to buy that present was completely useless.
He may understand you want a different colour but he will feel you are difficult to please. You reduce his chances of ever trying to please you again.
If she serves food and you complain that there is “never” salt on the table, and tell her she is disorganized because of it.
She may rush to get the salt, but deep inside she will feel like all the careful cooking and serving that she did was a waste of time.
She may smile, but deep inside you just drained her strength to keep doing her best for long.
Keep small things as small things. Ignoring some things won’t even kill.
Sometimes just stay gentle even if you are irritated, because some issues are not worth sacrificing your partner’s esteem and motivation.
iii) Discuss don’t Debate
There is a difference between discussing and debating.
A debate seeks to find who is right; a discussion seeks to find what is right.
A debate focuses on dealing with the other person, a discussion focuses on dealing with the problem.
A debate says “I have won” a discussion says “We have won.”
A discussion is what you do when you understand the argument you win alone is a loss.
iv) Develop life goals together
Set goals for the kind of relationship you want to have, the life you want to have and the things you want to achieve.
Then your aim in every conflict is never to win an argument but to fulfil those goals.
It’s not about how much your idea means to you, it’s about how much your idea means to the fulfilment of the life goals that you have set together.
v) Tell each other you care
Begin and end your disagreement by assuring your love to your partner;
“I love you so much and I truly care for you, I don’t mean to offend you but something happened between us in the morning that left me feeling sad.”
Don’t blame. Don’t criticize. Don’t be too straightforward because your tone can be misunderstood.
If your partner says “Just get straight to the point!” tell him/her “That’s difficult because I don’t want to offend you, I just want to express how I feel.”
Some people say they have no patience for all that – but if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life then where else are you in a hurry to?
You are already here where you want to be. You just need to discipline yourself lest you destroy the good that you already have.
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