LUNA: Whenever my partner and I are arguing he always says “you keep getting me wrong…”
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Why can’t I understand him well? Is it something to do with my listening skills?
Luna, Most people listen to reply rather than listen to understand.
Yet if you reply without understanding you create a misunderstanding.
Tonderai Mandaza, a great Life Improvement Coach and friend of mine, once introduced me to these four levels of listening that I am going to share with you.
FOUR LEVELS OF LISTENING
i) Listening to yourself
Most times we don’t hear people when they talk, we only hear ourselves through them.
For example, if your partner says,
“I have a sharp headache today” And you respond,
“O I also have a sharp pain in my arm it started just now…”
It shows you are not listening to your partner, instead you are just using your partner’s words to listen to your own self.
Some even say, “O I had a sharp headache too yesterday…”
That response shows you are not listening to your partner’s problems. Instead, you are using your partner’s words to listen to your own problems.
At the back of your mind, what your brain really said when it heard your partner’s words was “So what has it got to do with me?”
It is from this selfish question that your brain finally realized,
“O I was feeling that way too yesterday!! Let me respond…” that is when you verbally speak out “O just like me, I woke up with a sharp headache too yesterday!”
I have met many people and partners who only listen to themselves and it causes so much conflict in a relationship. She says
“Wow, honey look at that blue car, it’s lovely isn’t it?”
Already irritated, he harshly responds, “So what are you saying now? Should we have bought a blue car instead of a white one…?”
“No honey I’m just saying that one is blue that’s all. Our car is beautiful too in its own way.”
She quickly interjects before the whirlwind turns into a storm.
He got irritated because he didn’t listen to what she was saying. Instead he used her description of the car she saw to understand the description of his own car.
He let his mind ask, “So what has this got to do with me? Oh I get her now, she doesn’t like our car!”
Yet in reality she just saw something nice outside and thought she could talk about it.
The real questions he should have asked were,
“O you like that colour, honey? It’s the first time you have said you like blue” or,
“Hmm wouldn’t you have liked a lighter blue just like that one over there.” (Pointing to a different car).
These questions show that you are using what your partner said to understand their viewpoint and preferences at a deeper level.
If your partner mentions a sharp headache the sympathetic response would be to say
“Ouch! When did it start?”
“Is it really too much?”
“Has it ever got this serious before?”
“Did you take any medical drugs or tried resting for a while?”
These latter responses show your partner that you are actually listening to them rather than listening to yourself through them.
Listening to yourself is the most common form and error in listening.
It breaks down intimacy because it is self-centred and egocentric in a subtle unnoticeable way.
ii) Listening to Sense
If you have ever said to your partner,
“Please explain again in different words, I don’t think I really understand what you just said.”
It shows you were trying to get the sense out of their words. You were listening to facts.
Listening to facts is the second level of listening.
Most times when you are very angry with your partner that is the moment when you would have missed the facts. Even your partner will tell you,
“No honey, that is not what I mean, you got me wrong…”
That means the words you heard made a sense that is different from the one your partner intended to make.
We may speak the same words yet understand the meaning of those words differently. This is because the meaning of words differs according to how and where you grew up.
If your spouse comes from a family where one of the brothers had a mental illness, then never joke calling your spouse “crazy.”
To your spouse, it won’t even feel like a joke.
You may think your partner lacks humour yet in his/her life “crazy” is real.
He/she saw it happen, and went through the pain and trauma of nursing it. For that reason “crazy” isn’t just a word. It is totally nothing to joke about.
On the other hand, if you are coming from a family were “crazy” is real, understand that words don’t always mean the same for everyone.
Your “mad” and your partner’s “mad” mean two totally different things. So does “love” or “kind” or “respect.”
Listening to Sense means taking time to understand what your partner says, from your partner’s viewpoint rather than yours.
So next time you feel irritated, just remember you could be wrong.
iii) Listening to Emotions
There are many partners who break up and say,
“Sir Moffat, everything was going on just fine between me and her – but suddenly she wants a break up.”
One young man recently sent me a message, “everything was going on fine, no quarrels no fights then today she sent me a message saying, she wants to be alone and doesn’t want us to be together anymore…”
You considered only the facts and thought your relationship was fine, but had you taken time to consider the emotions – you would find things were critically bad between you.
In every relationship there are these things called “The small big things.”
These are incidences and habits that seem too small to talk about yet they disturb our feelings in a big way.
Sometimes you don’t like the fact that he never comments on your new hairstyle but you don’t think you can talk about it because it’s “just a hairstyle.”
Deep inside you are unhappy, but the facts say there is nothing special enough to be upset about.
This is an example of a relationship that listens only to facts but doesn’t have time to openly share emotions.
When it comes to your own emotions, don’t be too sensitive. When it comes to the emotions of your partner be very sensitive.
Don’t just hear what your partner says, also do try to hear how your feels behind what he/she says.
Your partner can agree to getting married this year, when deep inside she is feeling pressurized.
She must always be free to express herself. You can even tell her:
“Hey, I know I maybe sounding pushy when I suggest you should come meet my family, please be free to tell me how you feel about this suggestion.”
iv) Listening to Values
The highest level of listening understands more than just what is being said or felt, it understands what is being valued.
You don’t know a people till you know what they value. All conflict happens on the bedrock of values.
Your partner will suggest you buy a house before you buy clothes – that shows he values security over appearance.
You can call him stingy, backward and fashion unconscious; but the truth is, he is a good man who values something differently from how you value it. That’s all.
Again if your wife keeps complaining you are so stingy you can’t buy your family new clothes – don’t hear the insult, instead hear and understand that there is a value that you could be taking for granted.
Place clothes on your budget, and explain to her that though you are buying clothes – there is still need for the family to complete the house payment.
Or buy very few clothes for now and reduce expenditure on food – and explain that you are leaving the rate of house payment untouched.
Some values are more important than others, whilst others are only urgent but not important.
When your partner shouts “Why are my clothes never washed when I need them?” Understand that he is talking about his clothes and not all clothes.
He is feeling undervalued or neglected. So the answer “I haven’t washed even the baby’s clothes too, I got held up” is not going to make him feel anymore valued.
The best answer could simply be “Oh sorry my honey, I really thought you would need those clothes this morning (it shows you think about him) but I got held up. Even the baby’s clothes aren’t washed.”
That is when you can actually hear him say “I think we need a maid around here…” or he can actually say “you just reminded me of those washing machines we saw on special offer – I think we missed a big bargain that day…”
When your partner speaks, learn to listen to what seems important to him/her.
When you address that “value” in your response, your partner will feel understood and intimate.
Happy chat time to you! 🙂
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