CHRIS: As a guy who has never had sexual intercourse before is it right to marry a lady who has been sexually active? Is she worth it?
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Doesn’t her loss of virginity actually show that she is loose, and even in marriage wouldn’t she compare me with past lovers?
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Sometimes I feel like I’m being short changed – it’s like I preserved my purity for nothing. Am I right to think like this?
Hi Chris, I’m going to answer you very differently from most people.
I know many counsellors and pastors will simply say “forgive and forget – all that matters is love blah blah…”
But I want to tell you that those counsellors and pastors aren’t the ones who will live with this girl – and they will never even know the emotional crisis that you will go through because of this issue.
Before you forgive…
Just know forgiving is one thing and forgetting is another.
For that reason, I want to tell you exactly what you are going to go through when you decide to marry this girl – so that if you do, you know what you are getting yourself into; and if you don’t, you will be knowing what you are saving yourself from.
You are still a virgin not because you didn’t have sexual feelings – but because you valued purity. Boys like you take faithfulness, love and marriage seriously.
By staying a virgin, you were telling yourself that you are being faithful to your wife long before you had met her…
Even in your heart, when you were still young and growing up, you might have whispered to the wind,
“Honey, I don’t know where you are but I just want you to know, I’m already keeping myself faithful just for you.”
If you marry this girl, here is what you will go through for a while…
If you marry this girl, there are times that you are going to feel like while you were trying so hard to be Mr Right; she was busy giving the most private part of your marriage to strangers who wouldn’t even think of marrying her.
She will tell you she was tempted, and your mind will say you were also tempted but refused to fall.
You will remember all the women you turned down when they offered you sex. Sometimes you will wish you hadn’t turned them down.
She will say she was still young – but you will think “I have been young too, it’s not like I was born with a beard and a moustache.”
She will say it was a mistake, but you will never believe how a mistake can last as long as removing the bra, the pants and the underwear.
Knowing it happened far from home and away from parents, will make it even harder for you to believe how an event can be a mistake even though it seems so well planned!
Pastors will tell you “God has forgiven her so you must forgive her too, because even though you remained a virgin it doesn’t mean you were a perfect person before God.”
That answer will seem true and helpful, but it is the weakest answer that you could receive or give to anyone…
That response actually implies that your “perfection” wasn’t good enough – your “perfection” doesn’t make you deserve anything better – that means it was a proper waste of time and effort.
It will make you wish you had been loose, and it can make you wish to cheat someday.
Some men may even end up cheating. If she tries to complain about it, he angrily tells her “If I want a lesson on purity, you are the last person I will consult.”
He is hurt. He is in love and in pain at the same time.
So what should you do?
If that’s your question, then I want you to know the most important thing is a person’s character.
If you think she is a good person who just didn’t understand life then like she understands it now – then I say forgive and love that girl with all your heart.
You could be the best miracle that happened to her.
Only make sure you will never raise that topic in your marriage for as long as you live. Never use it to hurt her no matter how angry she might have made you feel.
Don’t judge her according to her past nor imprison her to it. Don’t marry her to keep her back there.
Her past will never die, and even God doesn’t change the past.
You will have to forgive her, and strengthen her every day to forgive herself.
If you can’t live with her past don’t take her into your future.
Can you trust her again?
If she is the one who told you about it, then you can trust her.
If you found out on your own, and her reasons for hiding sound unclear – then you are free to keep your distrust.
Though there can be love, without trust there can never be a relationship.
Will she compare you to her other partners?
Yes she will. It’s normal for the human mind to compare what it has to what it used to have.
However, don’t make it a big deal.
The joy of sex is best found when you are having it with a person that you know cares and truly loves you.
You may discover she never really enjoyed it as much back then as she will enjoy it now that she is safe in your arms.
LAST WORDS
I say take a lot of time to know her.
If she keeps advancing sexually even though she knows you value purity before marriage – then it’s most likely she doesn’t value your purity as much as you do.
She takes your purity for a weakness.
If she makes you feel like you are boring, “too principled” or old-fashioned because you refuse premarital sexual activities, then she doesn’t envy or respect your purity.
She sees you as a fool for keeping it. She is NOT the woman you are looking for.
If she can’t respect you then she CAN cheat on you.
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