RUMBIE: Hi Sir Moffat. My question is: How do you create boundaries with your in laws from the time you are introduced?
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How do you start on a right foot with the in laws- the parents, siblings and extended family members (Aunts, Uncles and Grandparents too)?
Hi Rumbie! J Growing up, we used to think when we marry each other, all that matters is love – and it doesn’t matter where we came from as long as we love each other…
However, now that we are older and much wiser, it is clear that it’s not simply that handsome knight or pretty princess that comes into your life.
When you marry a person you also marry their talkative mother, broke dad, their drunkard brother and probably their jealous sibling.
You have to learn to live with your in-laws as much as you have to learn to live with your spouse.
Here are a few tips to make it easier for you:
i) Your In-laws are the closest people to your spouse
To your spouse, your inlaws are parents, guardians and family.
A sign of an unhealthy and controlling relationship is that it normally seeks to isolate you from your family. Don’t be unhealthy.
It doesn’t matter how difficult your in-laws are, encourage your partner to visit them together with you occasionally.
No marriage is an island, and life is a very long journey, you will definitely need them someday.
Despite their weaknesses, there is a reason they are in your life after all.
ii) Your in-laws are like your adopted parents to you
We don’t choose our parents and our parents don’t choose us. They just wanted a baby and you came along.
That is the same with your father-in-law and mother-in-law, you don’t choose them and they don’t choose you. Your duty is to love them because they gave birth to the half of you.
Respect, obey and care for them as much as you should do for your real parents.
When you think of the needs of your genetic parents think of their needs too – marriage is growing from having two parents to having four.
iii) Your parent’s home is NOT your home.
I’ve heard some women threaten their husbands, especially in the first two years of marriage, “I’m bored here, I want to go back home.”
Your home is where you are, where you intend to go is actually your parents’ home.
Once upon a time your parents were a young man and woman just like you two are right now; only that they chose to build a home of their own just like you two should do now.
There are also young husbands who can’t make any important family decisions without consulting mum or dad. That behaviour is a total turn off in marriage and a great cause for conflict.
It’s burdening for your partner to feel that she has to consult three people (you, your mum and dad) before she can conclude anything with you.
iv) Remember your new family comes first
When you get married, your main goal is not combining two families. Your main goal is forming a third family of your own.
Your in-laws are not part of your new family, they are your extended family. They cannot detect how or where your family lives.
They can only counsel but they don’t have any power to command you to do anything in your new family.
No in-law, mum or dad, has the right to name any of your children. If you want them to name your children, it should be strictly your decision and not theirs.
You and your spouse are a family of your own, and you are enough just the way you are.
That is what the Bible means by saying you “shall leave your father and mother and cleave” to your partner, and the two of you shall become one flesh.
v) Don’t be selfish
Funnyenough, if you are sending your mother some money you call it giving, but if you are sending your mother in-law you call it sacrifice.
If your mother calls saying she is sick, you send her money for hospital bills – but if your partner says your mother in-law is sick you first consider schools fees for your children.
That is selfishness.
Do to your mother-in-law as you would like done to your own mother. The mother to your spouse is also your mother.
vi) Remember the two sets of parents have different needs
Some parents might need help with daily needs like food, clothes, while the other parents may just need birthday presents and vacations because they can manage it very well.
Note the difference, and meet those important needs accordingly. There need not be a fight over “equal treatment” measured financially, but it must be measured as per needs.
vii) Don’t speak bad about your spouse to your parents
Love covers a multitude of sins. Don’t devalue your spouse in front of your parents, you are helping them to destroy your home.
When you ask for their advice, always remember to tell them that you love your spouse.
viii) Sometimes you will have to tolerate your in-laws
Just like your real siblings, your in-laws will irritate you at times.
However, you can’t openly lash out at them like you would towards your real siblings.
You don’t know them that much therefore it’s easy to be misunderstood. You just have to let some issues pass.
ix) Be yourself
Above all, the most attractive person you can ever be is You. Be yourself but don’t be arrogant. Seek peace with everybody.
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