WESTLIFE’S HIT SINGLE “Fool Again” has reached almost 40 million views on YouTube. This is because the song spoke about all of us,
“Can’t believe that I’m a fool again
I thought this love would never end
How was I to know?”
̶ FOOL AGAIN, WESTLIFE
(6 December 1999)
How can you recognize heartbreak-love?
How can you tell right from the beginning that it’s not going to work?
In the same song Westlife sang:
“I should have seen it coming; I should have read the signs…”
So there are signs of heartbreak love?
From the following true story, a Biblical story of Amnon and Tamar, there are nine signs that can help us know heartbreak-love before we step in.
Even Amnon thought it was love, but later he discovered it was just a feeling.
The Heartbreak Café of Amnon and Tamar
1 Absalom, David’s son, had a beautiful sister, whose name was Tamar; and David’s son Amnon was in love with her.
2 And he was so deeply in love that he became ill because of his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin, and so it seemed hard to Amnon to do anything to her.
3 But Amnon had a friend whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David’s brother: and Jonadab was a very crafty man.
4 And he said to him, O son of the king, why are you getting thinner day by day? Will you not say what your trouble is? And Amnon said to him, I am in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.
5 Then Jonadab said to him, Go to your bed, and let it seem that you are ill: and when your father comes to see you, say to him, Let my sister Tamar come and give me bread, and get the food ready before my eyes, so that I may see it and take it from her hand.
6 So Amnon went to bed and made himself seem ill: and when the king came to see him, Amnon said to the king, Please let my sister Tamar come and make me one or two cakes before my eyes, so that I may take food from her hand.
7 Then David sent to the house for Tamar and said, Go now to your brother Amnon’s house and get a meal for him.
8 So Tamar went to her brother Amnon’s house; and he was in bed. And she took paste and made cakes before his eyes, cooking them over the fire.
9 And she took the cooking-pot, and put the cakes before him, but he would not take them. And Amnon said; Let everyone go away from me. So they all went out.
10 Then Amnon said to Tamar, Take the food and come into my bedroom, so that I may take it from your hand. So Tamar took the cakes she had made and went with them into her brother Amnon’s bedroom.
11 And when she took them to give them to him, he put his arms round her and said, Come to bed, my sister.
12 And answering him, she said, O my brother, don’t put shame on me; it is not right for such a thing to be done in Israel: don’t do this evil thing.
13 What will become of me in my shame? and as for you, you will be looked down on with disgust by all Israel. Now then, go and make your request to the king, for he will not keep me from you.
14 But he would not give attention to what she said: but being stronger than she, he took her by force, and slept with her.
15 Then Amnon was full of hate for her, hating her with a hate greater than his earlier love for her. And he said to her, Get up and be gone.
16 And she said to him, Not so, my brother, for this great wrong in sending me away is worse than what you did to me before. But he gave no attention to her.
17 Then he gave a cry to the servant who was waiting on him and said, Put this woman out, and let the door be locked after her.
18 Now she had on a long robe, such as in past times the king’s virgin daughters were dressed in. Then the servant put her out, locking the door after her.
19 And Tamar, in her grief, put dust on her head; and she put her hand on her head and went away crying loudly.
20 And her brother Absalom said to her, Has your brother Amnon slept with you? but now, stop crying, my sister: he is your brother; don’t take this thing to heart. So Tamar went on living uncomforted in her brother’s house.
2 SAMUEL 13: 1 – 20
Here are the nine signs of heart-break love:
1. Heartbreak-love Sees Your Beauty Only
Love must see your beauty; love a person who is attractive to you. However, it becomes heartbreak-love if it sees beauty only.
Two facts of beauty are:
i. Beauty Fades
Loving for beauty is like vowing a lifetime commitment to a rose. No-matter how sweet scented or pink petalled, every rose withers.
With time we will all stop fighting pimples and start fighting wrinkles. The consequences of aging are not only loss of hearing and vision, but loss of beauty as well. If you love and marry for looks, one morning you will wake up disappointed.
ii. Beauty doesn’t reflect character.
The outside cannot be used to describe the inside. The first glance says little about the last glance.
Did you know? Amnon means “faithful.” But it’s Amnon who betrayed Tamar.
Those people that we call “faithful” or “good” can be dangerous traitors. In this world keep your eyes open.
Similar to that, looks have absolutely nothing to show about a person’s character. Isn’t it sad how the worst villains maybe found among the best looking? It’s not always the case, but it shows that “beauty doesn’t reflect character.”
He might be a strong man on the outside but a lizard on the inside. Sometimes pretty Rachael might be a Jezebel on the inside.
People look at outward appearance, but God looks at the heart (1Samuel 16:7). It’s because charm is deceitful and beauty is vain (Proverbs 31:31).
Beauty is a rose, but character is a diamond.
The character of a person is also the character of that person’s love. A cruel person gives cruel love. A kind person gives kind love. An unforgiving person gives an unforgiving love. If you can’t live with their character then you can’t live with their love.
Take your time; ask yourself, “What do I love? Is it the beauty or the character?”
She is slim. What if she was to grow fat one day, would you still love her? What if by a stroke of misfortune she loses her pretty legs to a fatal accident, would you still love her? What if the beauty fades?
About him. What if his Johnny Bravo chest flounders into a flat tablet, perhaps by a sudden bout of cancer, would you still love him? What about when he grows old and his voice loses being firm and deep and turns high pitched and shaky, would you still love? You see? Beauty is a rose but only character is a diamond. Looks are for a while but character is forever.
Take this:
You can’t love what doesn’t last with love that lasts, and expect it to last long.
It’s not love unless it’s more than skin deep.
2. Heartbreak-love is Love that You Have to Fall Into.
There is a lie that has invaded the world. It has been told so many times that it seems true. This is the lie that when love comes; it is an overwhelming supernatural force that locks your mind’s thinking and reasoning capacity, urges your heart so much that you can’t control it, turns you into a total fool; ties your tongue, disturbs your sleeping rhythm and eating habits; turns your sulphur anger into a cold mint, all in the midst of flame passions that yell to fondle and be fondled, kiss and be kissed.
Love is NOT a feeling.
Surely love contains feelings. But love itself is not a feeling. That’s a soap opera lie.
Even Amnon in biblical times underwent the same symptoms we have been talking about, and was fooled into thinking it was real love. His love for the beautiful Tamar was to the point of illness. Everyday Amnon became thinner and thinner (read 2 Samuel 13:2 – 3). Yet after having slept with Tamar, Amnon disappointedly discovered what he felt so strongly was not love at all. The Bible says after the sex Amnon “hated Tamar far more than he had loved her.”
Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!”
2 SAMUEL 13:15 NIV
It was like sharing all for nothing. What a disappointment?
To avoid any further disappointments, understand there is a difference between love and infatuation. Infatuation is what the Bible calls lust. It is an intense desire for something so much that you believe you can’t live without it. Lust slowly leads to loss of self-control (in other words, there is a decrease in obedience to principles of good living). This feeling or intense desire, like any other feeling; is temporary.
The trick of finding true love is that every time you think you are in love; give it some more time. As the saying goes, “love is what remains when the feeling of love goes away.” Don’t be in a hurry no-matter how tempted to speed you feel; you just have to take your time. Otherwise, you may drive into a Heartbreak Café.
Also account that you have only one heart. And your heart is a soft tender part of you. The right place for it is inside the rib cage. If you hang your heart around like a handbag or like a Coca Cola bottle, it will hit against rough stone walls and get bruised.
Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it flows the issues of life.
PROVERBS 4:23
Don’t be that kind of person who goes about falling in love everywhere. If your mind is confused, give yourself some more time. Never go anywhere in confusion.
For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace…
1 CORINTHIANS 14:33 KJV
Whatever is done in confusion is not by God, it is by the evil one. It normally has fatal consequences. Unending confusion can actually be God’s way of saying “let it go.” You rather delay and find the best, than be quick and lose.
Frankly speaking, every fall is bad, quiet embarrassing and may hurt. Whether it is falling off the tallest building, off a cliff, falling from the glory of God or as most commonly… falling in love. Love is more than just a feeling.
A cake contains sugar but sugar is not cake. Similarly love contains feelings but feelings are not love. Love is a choice. It is a choice to keep giving affection that your partner needs, even when you are feeling too lazy, sad or angry to give it.
Love is a God inspired commitment between two people. It really needs inspiration.
Love is a step of faith, not merely a step of self-confidence. Only keep walking if you feel God is walking with you.
You can feel for almost everyone, but only one person can you love. That’s because true love is beyond feelings.
You have one heart; you cannot afford to waste it. Only one person deserves it. When you find that one person that settles your heart, your heart will settle. So beware what kinds of things settle your heart. If your heart is easily settled by wrong qualities, it will settle for a wrong person.
Don’t fall in love. Grow in love.
Choose love and grow in it.
3. Heartbreak-love dies for sex
True Story: James and Nomsa’s
James was a handsome, good natured, Christian young man studying for an Honours degree at a local university. Almost every girl on campus discussed his character, self-confidence and smile.
One day, a girl called Nomsa, one of James’ classmates, invited James to her room for an evening chat. They hooked up quickly as they discovered they had much in common. Sooner than they could notice they were growing closer every day and their evening visits became more and more regular.
They had always spoken on friendly terms till one night, as they both noticed. That evening they realised they were seated too close. It was late in the evening, and the moonlight was shining through the curtains.
They sat side to side, their bodies in almost full contact. As they were talking, they could find many silly reasons to touch. For instance when Nomsa leaned over to grab a pillow over James’ side; or when James pointed across the room, ‘mistakenly’ touching Nomsa’s chest area in the process.
They were speaking in whispers – their faces a mere few inches apart. He could feel the fiery passions stirring within him, and he could tell by the slight quivering of her lips (which she was struggling hard to hide) that Nomsa too was feeling the same way. Then they went silent, holding arm to arm; all they could express where unending giggles.
Footsteps in the corridor. They heard footsteps in the corridor. Somebody was passing by outside. That sound of the footsteps perturbed James and Nomsa out of the oblivion of sensuality. They started to regain their senses.
Realising that he was about to make a big mistake, James sprang to his feet. He was shocked and ashamed.
Today James says
“We both knew we didn’t love each other. I thank God otherwise I would have been carried away by a mere feeling that night. I would have used her and at the same time used myself. Above everything else, I know I would have sinned against God, and lost the best plan for a lasting relationship and marriage.”
Nomsa says
“That day I learnt nobody is strong. We all get tempted. We must not give temptation a chance.”
Two things we learn from James and Nomsa are:
i. True love values purity
(This might be offending if you have lost your virginity already. But be humble and take it, for the sake of your future or to use it to help other people around you.) The best gift you can give to your spouse is your virginity. It is the most believable, most authentic way to say to your marriage partner, “Trust me.”
However, if you have lost your virginity and you are truly repentant before God, then don’t keep condemning yourself. Ask for forgiveness. God knows your repentant heart that it is true. Therefore forgive yourself because God has forgiven you.
The best you can do now onwards is to abstain from premarital sex and extramarital affairs (abstain from fornication and adultery). A time frame of abstinence can also be a profitable “you can trust me” statement the day you find your real love.
To understand more, simply click here to jump to Question #19: Is Virginity Important?It’s in the Question and Answer Section of this book.
Indeed studies show that couples who abstained from premarital sex show higher levels of trust for each other, compared to those who were more carefree. High trust results in happier and more secure relationships.
True Story: Thabo and Diana
Thabo and Diana dated for three years before they were married. The problem is they started having sex before they were married.
Today they are married, but there is one thing that Diana refuses to believe, that each time Thabo comes in at eleven pm (2300hrs) he would be merely out with his friends. She knows he used to leave her place at the same time. She suspects Thabo is having an affair.
True Story: Naledi and Miriam
Naledi and Miriam also started having sex before they were married. They got married one year later. One day their marriage climbed on the rocks, and they went to seek help from a counsellor.
Naledi was totally bewildered,
“She isn’t even interested in me anymore,” he complained, “I don’t know maybe it’s because we got married. Sex was really great before we were married, isn’t it Miriam?”
To Naledi’s surprise, Miriam shrugged her shoulders.
“I never enjoyed it,” she frankly said, “I just did it because I was afraid… afraid of losing you. And I was always worried. I knew what I was doing was wrong. And I was always afraid, what if I fall pregnant…”
Instead of getting to know each other better, Naledi and Miriam had wasted their time fondling each other. When they got married, they knew so little about each other and that weakened their marriage bond. That is why true love values purity.
ii. Love doesn’t begin with privacy
When talking to a friend of the opposite sex, or your girlfriend/boyfriend avoid private places. Choose rather open spaces such as a garden chair or a balcony. This can help you to talk more openly without being disturbed by palpitations of your emotions.
Remember the secret to a happy lasting relationship is not strong sexual emotions, instead the secret is openly knowing each other better. Most times, however, the sexual emotions and thrills steal your quality time, at the end of the day you fail to attain intimate conversation that leads you to knowing each other deeper and better.
Heartbreak-love dies for sex…
He seems ill in love with you, yet he is ill in love with using you. Or on the other hand, it seems it is all about you, yet it is all about how you make her feel. If you are not aware, you might give your best for the worst.
This love called Heartbreak-love is on the increase. One in every three teenage girls in the United States is sexually harassed by their boyfriends This shows that when he said “I love you” he never meant it from the beginning. What he really wanted to say was “I don’t love you, I don’t respect you… all I want is that you sexually satisfy me. Since I can’t get you, I will fool you by three magic words – I love you.”
You don’t have to be a heartache patient over and over again. Take these lessons to heart, they will help you Escape the Heartbreak Café…
4. Heartbreak-love is rebellious in nature
True Story: Colleen and Noma
Colleen and Noma were high school sweethearts of two years. After high school they decided to move in together since they were going to the same college. When their friends tried to advise them against it, Colleen and Noma stood side by side and refused to listen. They were convinced their parents and well-meaning friends were a demonic army sent from hell to destroy their “God-given” love.
Colleen and Noma’s parents heard of their move-in scandal. They tried to advise the two love birds to take more time. Since they were still so young, maybe it was not love at all; maybe it was any other passing lust. An infatuation.
But still Colleen and Noma stood side by side. They said there was a generation gap. They loved each other, and nobody was going to come between them.
At the end friends, family and parents withdrew themselves. They could tell the love was an accident waiting to happen; if only Colleen and Noma could understand!
Seven months down the line Colleen and Noma had broken up. They had moved out of the house they shared, “We were two different people,” Noma says, “It felt like we were forcing it.”
When two people fight the same enemy, they see themselves as best of friends. Colleen and Noma were preoccupied with fighting their parents, family and friends’ views so much that they could not observe that those views where right after all.
Our soap operas, Shakespearean drama and Greek myths are full of love and rebellion. But fantasy is not reality. Life is based on principles that cannot be neglected. Principles are like the water we drink or the air we breathe, we can’t neglect them and stay living for long.
If you want love that lasts for a lifetime, then build it on proven God-given principles. Rebellious love may make it through the hail and storms of adversity, but don’t worry… it dies with the end of adversity. Rebellious love dies when we realize the principle was not the adversity, but we were the adversity to the principle.
If it cannot follow the rules, then you know plainly it is still immature love. Mature love is a grown up child. It understands how to proceed and do things one step at a time, without rushing into conclusions or making impulsive and irrational decisions.
5. Heartbreak-love pretends.
Amnon pretended to be sick in order to get Tamar’s attention. Heartbreak love is pretentious.
Countless times I have bumped into the following conversations, and I am sure you might have met similar ones too.
“If I had known you are this kind of person…”
“You still drink?!!!! But you said you quit?”
“You have changed…”
Such conversations should show you that in love people pretend.
True Story: Meet Alert
Alert was a short tempered and quarrelsome young man. He was often involved in public fights, and even his close friends knew they could not restrain him. But when Rachael, his girlfriend, would visit; Alert would turn into a gentle, understanding and tolerant young man.
Yes, we have a tendency as people to hide our true selves in order to seem acceptable to those of the opposite sex. However, it normally takes just one day, and a minor irritation will burst into ferocious flames of anger tantrums that end with painful wounds. That is when you see the true colours.
A certain lady in one of my seminars showed me a photo of her ex-husband. They had been married for just two years and those few years he had bashed her face so hard with his fists – she looked terrible.
When it was time for one-on-one sessions, I called her to a separate place and asked,
“When you were still dating, didn’t you see that he was a violent?”
“I could see him being violent to other people, but whenever I would tell him to stop and calm down, he would listen. I guess I was a fool to think he would always listen.”
I told her she wasn’t a fool. She was simply a person who didn’t know what to look for when dating. The rest of the seminar helped her move on without looking back. It brought her up to her feet again, and just as beautifully: her story helped me realise that Most people don’t know what to look for when they are looking for a person. They take such clues of bad character for granted. Never take pretence for granted.
Also read Mandy’s Engagement Story.
True Story: Mandy’s Engagement
Mandy was engaged to a Christian gentleman called Joe. They were at last getting married and their wedding day was just three weeks away. The whole neighbourhood was charged with excitement, jubilation and anxious expectations. But one Monday afternoon, the whole course of the story abruptly changed.
Storming into Mandy’s office, face soaked in blood, her nasal bridge in cracks, her face swollen and horribly nose-bleeding, was Jane – Joe’s fifteen year old younger sister.
“It’s… it’s…” stammering with intense agony, Jane finally exclaimed her merciless abuser, “It’s Joe!!!!! He beat me!”
But why? Why would sweet gentle Joe do such an evil thing? The reason was devastatingly silly. Jane, Joe’s younger sister, had lost the money that he had given her to pay for her school tuition fees. The news so angered Joe that he clubbed her with his giant fists and a broomstick.
With no time to lose Mandy rushed Jane to the hospital, and even covered the bills. After that Mandy went to families, pastors and friends and informed they no longer needed to keep themselves bothered preparing for the wedding party. The wedding was cancelled and the engagement was broken.
Of course, some said she was making a mistake, but she knew she was rationally doing the right thing.
“If Joe could beat his own sister to nose bleeds and scars, what more me – somebody with whom he doesn’t share the same bloodline, surname or past? He is dangerous. I won’t be fooled.” Mandy says.
Yes, many boys do pretend. Joe pretended to be a Prince Charming. Thank God an incident revealed his true colours before the lifetime vows. If you are prayerful and faithful, God will help you see a person’s true colours.
Many girls too, pretend. In my first years at university, there were many girls who liked me and pretended they wished they would be pastors when they grow up. (This is because they knew I am a devoted Christian.)
For a long-time many of them dressed well and went to church often per week. But a major statute God had always taught us as Christian boys is that “true love waits.” If you meet a “good girl” (or supposedly good), give her a year or two – distant, observing, and acting uninterested.
We did just that!
And you know what?
As you very well know most of Africa is hot in its climate. To the boys’ advantage, the high temperatures made the wolves start taking off their sheep’s clothing in no time. The test was too long to keep pretending.
Those who frequented church in the first year resorted to where they had always belonged before coming to varsity – secular clubbing. Those that seemed loving and caring finally started showing that in them were no motherly instincts at all.
Seemingly decent dressers went back home and excavated their old miniskirts, see-through dresses and scanty pants. Some said of one girl,
“This girl never used to dress this way, she has changed.”
But I told them the truth,
“Nope, take a look at the clothes she wears, none of those clothes are new. That means none of her dressing is new either. She has always been like this, we all just never knew.”
Yes, even girls hide their true nature in order to win “Mr Perfect.”
Pretending women are normally said to be “playing innocent.” There are women who waste themselves in the world, then come into Church, raise their hands, close their eyes like everybody – pretending to be saints. They play innocent in order to find “Mr Perfect.” (So much sacrifice…and only to find that Mr Perfect is more unreal than a fairy.)
In African and Indian traditions, virginity is as highly respected as virtue. Some girls who would lose it and didn’t want to get caught, would try playing innocent. She would wriggle and seem frightened all the first night. This would be a trick, to seem as though a night is something new to her. However, a well-advised young man would figure out the reality despite the pretence.
Those who could not figure out the reality beyond the pretence would overhear the bad news five years down the marriage timeline. I will need another book to describe and explain the hot coals that the husband would feel inside. Then I will need to write a second volume to describe the immortal consequences of the anger burning in his eyes. But for now let me summarize his reactions into four words that make the theme of this book:
“He would get heartbroken.”
Heartbreak love is pretentious in nature…
If you keep allowing love to make you blind, marriage will open your eyes. Observe before you commit.
Recently I bumped into a boy-girl tantrum in one of my one-on-one relationship sessions. It seems the boy was angry because her girlfriend was “spying” on him through social media and Google search engines. “She doesn’t have a right to hack my files!” the young man stormed.
I said to myself here is a wise woman who knows to trust people for what they do – not simply what they claim to be. Here is a wise woman who knows even the “faithful” by name, like Amnon, may be the worst traitors.
Even as a young man, research before you commit. Search even in the shadows and in the backyards, into those things that seem forgotten. Love means more if you commit in knowledge than commit in ignorance. In this heartbreak generation, such seriousness might be unpopular with many players. But remember you have only one heart. Escape the Heartbreak Café!
Keep your heart with all diligence; for out of it flows the issues of life.
PROVERBS 4:23
A good way to tell pretence is by digging the past. Don’t worry; good people don’t mind being “spied.” The good have nothing to hide. Good people are transparent, because they know it is transparency that keeps them good and the power of sin lies in secrecy.
If you have a past, tell your partner about it without shame. Don’t wait to be asked and don’t wait for rumours. It’s keeping secrets that gives rumours the power to ruin your relationship.
If you had to pretend in order to get me, you will have to keep pretending in order to keep me.
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