6. Heartbreak-Love Consults Friends, Never Grown-ups.
But Amnon had a friend whose name was Jonadab…. Now Jonadab was a very crafty man.
2 SAMUEL 13:3
Sometimes love can be likened to sorrow. When you fall into it, it feels like no one can understand you. It feels like you are the only one who has come that far.
That perception makes you label everyone around you as unworthy of offering you any assistance.
So you drown yourself deeper and deeper into sorrow. That is how many have drowned and chocked themselves in love. Refusing to consult adults, they have concluded, “Adults don’t understand.”
Heartbreak-love doesn’t want to consult grown-ups. It believes mum, dad and other elders are too old fashioned to give them any advice. It forgets there is nothing new about love.
Love is not like computer games, (Need for Speed, Mortal combat or FIFA, for instance), nor is it like some antivirus software that is upgraded season after season.
Love has always been since the foundations of time. Heartbreaks have been as universal as falling in love. And throughout all the ages true love has been sweet and heartbreak-love has hurt. Nothing has ever changed about love.
Parents and the grown-ups around you have made many love mistakes that you can learn from. Observing their lives and considering their counsel will help you begin higher than they did, and you will Escape the Heartbreak Café.
Heartbreak-love consults friends and runs away from elders.
Heartbreak-love wants to be “Home Alone.” Do you know why? It is because friends are people we play with. Consulting friends is an easy sublime way to mean
“I am playing about everything!”
PS: Normally when we consult our friends, we will be “thinking” we are serious. But get this, if you are still running away from grown-ups, that’s a clear sign that your seriousness is not enough to sustain anything rather than heartbreak-love.
Amnon too thought it was true love, but he did not want to consult his father David. He wanted to consult his friend Joe. Is it bad to have friends? No. But there are three dangers of consulting friends.
i. Friends are too easy to consult.
You can easily tell them you are in love and they easily understand. That can be dangerous because easy and simple decisions can lead you into a Heartbreak Café.
Respectable adults like your (parents and pastors) on the other hand, are difficult to approach about love without your thorough personal self-examination. Even after that, you cannot help but watch your every word with sweat streaming down your face. Those are the best people to consult.
Consulting adults pressurizes your soul to search itself deeply before making a regrettable decision.
“Wait, wait” you tell yourself,
“Before I consult either of them about this, is this really love that I am feeling? What if it is merely an emotion?”
If you are asking yourself such questions then welcome; you are on the right tracks; in fact, you are knocking on true love’s door. Those questions are very necessary before you love. Yes they are straining, that is why many people don’t soul search at all.
They don’t soul search till they are living together, and they separate after then, each disappearing to be alone in our lonely world. Soul searching questions need adult pressure, direct or indirect, in order to be asked and answered.
True love will always feel like consulting a trusted elder (pastor, wise parent, prudent uncle or aunt) through every step of the way. True love knows love is a serious thing.
ii. Friends are as ill-experienced as you are.
And yes, just as confused. They might be in so many mistakes like now, but too head over heels in love to notice.
iii. Friends can be too supportive, and that can be problem.
You don’t need people who support you all the times! If you want to succeed on anything in life, you need people who support you only when you are right and help stop you when you are wrong! You may not want them, but you need them.
Bottom line…
Grown-ups are some of the closest resources you have and need. Open up to them, and also observe from their weaknesses.
However, also judge the advice that they give you in wisdom. Normally if they failed in love and marriage too – then disqualify them from being your marriage advisor.
I’ve counselled many girls who are losing genuine relationships simply because they are behaving like their mothers taught them. Sometimes your mother teaches you her bitterness and expects you to treat your boyfriend/husband with the same bitterness that she holds for your father. That is a formula for failure in love.
For boys too, it is possible to disrespect your girlfriend/wife simply because you grew up seeing your Dad disrespect your mum. There are elders in your life, but you have to judge what they teach you with immense wisdom. Your parental upbringing can cripple your perception of life.
8 Brainteasers Grown-Ups may Ask You.
Grown-ups might ask you the following important questions. If you work on them now I am sure you will pass the test of intelligence lovegence later on.
i. Have you ever quarrelled?
A characteristic of true love is that it involves a healthy level of quarrelling. Pretentious love never quarrels, not because there is understanding between the couple, but because even the “understanding” is pretended.
“It’s okay, I will do as you say” but deep within the words are “you don’t listen to me; you always want your own way.”
Many love birds pretend to understand each other in order to run away from quarrelling. They think that if they quarrel, the “love” will end.
However, quarrels are actually healthy for a relationship. They develop a combined interpretation of life that is fundamentally necessary if the couple is going to proceed in life together.
One girl once wrote to the love of her heart,
“Sometimes you make me laugh and sometimes you make me cry. I don’t know what you do the most, but all I know is if you were not here my life wouldn’t be the same…”
Love has its up and down days, sometimes you agree, sometimes you disagree, but it doesn’t kill the love. It only proves how necessary the other part is in our lives.
Of course for quarrelling to be constructive rather than destructive, couples should learn the ability to talk to each other gently, respectfully and lovingly during the disagreements.
No-one is perfect, and conflict resolution skills are NOT inborn, they are something we have to develop through self-awareness and control, through adult and professional advice.
ii. What makes you angry?
Making a person laugh can be easy. This is because the body parts that can be tinkled are found on the surface. The deepest you may have to go is probably the armpits.
However, what angers a person are words and actions that go deeper than the skin. For that reason our anger-switches normally go unnoticed, even to our own selves.
You cannot say you know someone, and you cannot be sure you are ready to share a life together, if all you have shared is laughter. Lasting love is more than skin deep.
The bond of intimacy is strongest when it goes beyond the smiles that can be observed, beyond the pains that can be described, into knowing and understanding fully those angers and frustrations that are always kept hidden.
Keep track of events, actions and words you said that made his/her smile disappear. Observe which part of the newspaper frustrates him, or what disturbs her most on the television.
Don’t be quick to judge anger reactions as negative; rather try to understand the underlying values that cause that person to be angry when those values are violated.
Your anger can show you what you value.
You must also know your own anger switches so that you become self-aware when that button is switched on. It is easier to control yourself if you know yourself.
iii. What are your areas of extravagance?
Area of extravagance means “field of wastefulness.” We all have areas of extravagance!
A man’s area of extravagance might be cars or even books. When money falls into his hands, he would wish to spend almost all of it on that.
A woman’s area of extravagance can be clothes or shoes. She just can’t buy or have enough of them.
What we waste ourselves on might be a good thing. But what may irritate our partners is the fanaticism we attach to that object of extravagance.
Sometimes we get obsessed with “things” such that even our spouses fail to compete with them. That strains your relationship.
It is advisable that you choose a person with whom even your areas of extravagance are compatible or at least complementary.
iv. What is love?
One of the main reasons people break up is because they have a wrong definition of love. Love is a commitment greater than our feelings. To one partner, however, love may be still defined in its most primitive phase – a mere thrill felt inside. This definition is to some level correct, but it’s NOT strong enough to bear the demands of a love relationship.
With the help of a wise well knowing adult (especially one who has succeeded in marriage for many years), openly discuss different perceptions you hold about love.
This will help clear your eyes off any misconceptions. Proper definitions work like a compass; they help you see the direction that your love is growing in.
v. What are your views on money?
When it comes to marriage, research shows that almost ninety percent (90%) of divorces are due to financial problems/conflicts.
Dearest, TV soaps tell sweet lies. Next time you hear them say “All you need is love” add three question marks “???” in your mind. You also need money.
Conflicting views about spending, investment and working hours can secretly drag a couple apart.
Money is a necessity for happiness, but it is not the source of happiness. A partner who has made a mistake of seeing money as the source of happiness or source of control easily turns frustrated in the absence of money.
This frustration can lead to blame
“She is so overspending,”
Or low self-esteem and disappointments that seek to eliminate the partner
“I would be better off without him.”
Money comes and goes. Be able to keep alive with it and without it. Accidents happen in life; we can work and turn wealthy or mistakenly wake up broke. Both negative and positive financial accidents should bring us closer and bond us stronger.
The only way to do that is to stick together. If your partner feels like a jerk for being broke, that is the best time to stand by their side. Make them understand what they don’t have doesn’t make you love them any less.
Money requires discipline and yes… a whole lot of adult counselling. Find a couple whose love and marriage has stood the test of time. They will help you draw a right picture of money.
A picture that you will frequently refer to as a guide during any kind of financial accidents – good or bad accidents.
vi. What are your priorities and how do you view family?
Recently a renowned pastor and televangelist Pastor Benny Hinn was re-joined to his wife after a handful years of divorce.
I remember how our faces beamed when we heard of the reunion. For we had long been praying specifically for him and other renowned pastors in the body of Christ. Then Pastor Ben’s explanation was even more interesting.
Pastor Ben explained his divorce was due to mistaken priorities. At first he had prioritized his life and family this way,
1. God
2. Church Ministry
3. His Family
4. Others…
Yes everything in life begins with God. Pastor Benny was right, and we must all do the same. But he says his error was placing his church ministry above ministry to his family.
This was so intense that he would travel the world, preaching the word of God to all, yet leaving his wife and family with an acute deficiency of his affection and attention. This wrong prioritization led to a fatal disaster – losing his family to divorce.
Pastor Benny then framed his priorities structure anew, and it won him his family back.
1. God
2. Family
3. Church and Body of Christ
4. Others…
First: Serve God. God is the source of life, begin with Him in everything you do and you shall prosper.
Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it:
PSALMS 127:1
NB: There is a difference between serving God and serving in your local church. Prioritising God means valuing (and being faithful to) personal fellowship with God through prayer and the Word. Everyone desperately needs personal prayer and the Word of God in order to survive and prosper in anything.
If you neglect these two, you will lose the direction and energy of your life. You will also open up your life to Satan and his demons. Prayerless and Wordless people are vulnerable to Satan’s attacks on their marriage, mental and physical health, family bonds, personal joy and finances and many other aspects of life.
Secondly: Serve your family. First serve the family that you are responsible over, before you serve the church. That is what God instructs us in His Holy inerrant Word!
For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?
1 TIMOTHY 3:5
We are priests to our families before we are priests to the Church of God. God expects us to pray, fast, edify (build), correct and provide for our families just as we would want to serve in the body of Christ the same way.
But if any doesn’t provide for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever [infidel].
1 TIMOTHY 5:8
Lastly I wish to share with you a new interesting big word. The word is Proximodistal – (or maybe it is not new to you at all?)
Always bear in mind that by principle the ministry of God’s life is proximodistal. Let me explain…
Proximodistal – is from two Latin terms proxim (near) distal (far). So the word means spreading from “near to far.”
The ministry of God’s life is always proximodistal; it spreads from near-to-far. You begin ministering to yourself, then your family, then your street, your region, nation, continent, planet and then rest of the universe. Not vice versa. Even the Lord Jesus said,
“…and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, (inner place) and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, (outer places) and unto the (uttermost) part of the earth.”
ACTS 1:8
Love, Prayer, Ministry of the Word – all these things are proximodistal in life. Prioritise your family. Love begins at home. Public victory begins with private victory.
If you succeed in public (society) but fail in private life (like in self-control and family demands) then you are not successful at all.
It is like being a ripe fig in the outside yet rotten inside. In life, true development is proximodistal.
Third: Serve the Church. After your family then comes the Church and other fellow believers. This is God’s perfect plan for your family and church.
Keep this hierarchy and you will never fail. You will, like Pastor Benny, restore your family, and live your God intended life. Love and marriage break up when we prioritise the family concept wrongly.
(NB: Benny Hinn is a famous pastor in the body of Christ, some people may like him and others may not. As for me, I love and pray for all pastors in the body of Christ because the Bible says “Pray for all Saints” Pray for one another!).
7. Why Marry?
When we understand why we should marry, then we will understand why we should love in the first place. Knowing why will help us Escape the Heartbreak Café.
In the next chapter, Everybody Needs Someone, we will learn the purpose and advantages of being attached.
8. What is your policy on kids?
I know of one young man who in his early twenties wished to marry and have twelve children! I still wonder if what he really wanted was a family or a football team.
Or did he think children were born at a speed of cough and hiccups. But what makes me glad is that he loved children… For that reason I am less ashamed to admit that young man was me J.
Before you have children, there are a number of things to consider and compromise between the two of you.
Some people want to fill the whole world with one family name (like that young man). That’s too far-fetched. Some people don’t want to have children at all. That again is just as too far-fetched.
These are the eight questions that adults may ask you before you love. That is why it is important to consult them before you step in.
Young women listen…
If a young man truly loves you, he will always consult somebody he respects. He might consult casually, but bottom line is he always does.
That person can be his uncle, father, pastor, an inspirational teacher from his high school days or an aunt. If he is serious, always he consults somebody he respects.
On the other hand, heartbreak-love is casual, preferring to tell friends and make a quick move “without getting too serious with it.”
The hope of heartbreak lovers is that one day maybe the casual love will turn serious – and then last forever.
But it is not like that. In life the foundations determine the durability of the building. If it begins casually, chances are it ends in casualty. That is a Heartbreak Café!
Heartbreak-love wants to consult friends, because it doesn’t want to get serious with it.
7. Heartbreak-love skips the process
“Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not with-hold me from you” But he [Amnon] would not listen to her voice…
1 SAMUEL 13: 13 -14
Amnon believed he was in love so much that he felt following consultations, marriage and wedding procedures was a waste of time.
Have you ever noticed? In almost every society of the world love is a respectable precious jewel.
You don’t just wake up in and out of love with somebody without following the necessary steps of self-consideration, consultation and proposal. Have you ever asked yourself why so much respect is given to love?
Again in almost every society marriage comes with a ceremony. Have you ever asked yourself why?
We love each other truly and we know it – so why should we bother getting married? Anyway is our love anybody’s business…?
If you agreed you don’t need a wedding and you don’t need people in your love then stop right there! Stop. You are already in a Heartbreak Café!
Now every step forward will be a step deeper. Your love is heartbreak-love due to two main reasons.
i. That love lacks patience.
Failing to step through the process is normally due to impatience. It’s due to presumptuous attitude towards life. Yet patience is a resource for love.
Love cannot last if people lack something called patience, patience with each other as a couple, and patience with circumstances of life till they pass by.
Patient love is not picked on the wayside. Patient love is manufactured as we follow the principles and processes of love. Procedures, consultations and ceremonies are like climbing up the stairs.
They seem tiresome, but they help us burn up excess calories and build muscles; that strengthens love into long lasting union.
ii. That love is still weak, afraid and self-vindictive.
Have you ever met people who justify themselves even if it is crystal clear that they are wrong? I am sure you agree that such self-vindictive people top the world’s most irritating individuals of all time.
If paraphrased this is what Tamar meant to Amnon,
Tamar: “If your love is as strong as you claim, then climb the stairs, follow the process – go confront my dad and tell him you love me. Can you do that?”
Amnon: (He knows his love is not strong enough to withstand the test of process. He is afraid the process will make him find out it is not love at all, and he will lose. But he doesn’t say all that, he finds means to justify himself)
“Why do we have to go through all of that? You are too old fashioned my love, do you know that? We have never felt like this before, anyway no-one will know…
I mean no-one has to know right? It’s our own secret.”
When his thirst was fully satisfied, Amnon realized he had done the wrong thing. Then it dawned he was a “fool.”
Countless young men confess that after an illicit sexual act, no matter how great the desire was at first, usually you feel a hatred or disgust towards the girl you slept with.
An inner self blame emerges, and the woman is hated for being the witness or record of that shame. She also becomes the reason for his fallibility.
Precisely the same hate-feeling happened to Amnon more than four thousand years ago. You see? Love and heartbreaks are timeless institutes of life.
The passionate love he possessed soured into a bitter hate, proving that it had never been love at all. It was a Heartbreak Café! Poor Tamar. That’s not fair!
8. Heartbreak-love abuses higher authority
Some people only call a pastor or adult when they want to be pronounced husband and wife. Sometimes it will be so vividly clear that they are making a mistake, they should have given it more time. Every caring parent would like to say something in such case but such a chance never comes.
Try putting yourself into a parent’s shoes. When you look down memory lane, you remember those things that you took for granted and today prove they were the most important of all.
Then your eyes begin to sting as they well with tears. You regret the moments you said “Yes” when you should have said “No,” and those things to which you said “No” but today you wish you had said “Yes”.
To make matters worse, here is your child standing tall in front of you, head up in the skies. You can tell by the way things are happening that your history is about to repeat itself through your child.
Yes your life has been both laughter and tears. You don’t mind the laughter repeating itself, but you know the tearful days could have been avoided through making the right choices.
It is among our parental instincts to wish our children would avoid falling in the same pits that we fell into when we were as young as them! But when you try to yell out an advice, you find your mouth is gagged with a wet smelly stocking
“Mum. Dad. It’s my life!”
As Amnon exploited David so as to win occasion for his fleshly lusts – so does a heartbreak-lover want to use people around to satisfy his/her wants rather than needs.
Walk away from such an exploitative relationship now when you still can. What makes it so exploitative is because it is not love at all.
Heartbreak-love is stubborn and exploitative. That is why on heartbreak day we find we cannot face our parents, family and our true friends.
We realize we had done nothing except be stubborn towards them, or exploited them to confirm and affirm faith on what was never real at all.
9. Heartbreak-love doesn’t want to marry. Period!
“If you are not dating for marriage, you are dating for a heartbreak.” – Moffat Machingura
I said that in one of my seminars, someone posted it on their social media wall with my name on it, and it has gone viral ever since.
The moment you start going out with someone, there are these two simple possibilities left – marriage or break-up (heartbreak).
There is no such thing as dating for fun – you are either dating for marriage or you are dating for a heartbreak.
Either it will end in lifelong commitment, or it will end in tears. There is nothing in between.
This is why dating a person who doesn’t want to settle down is a clear sign you could be headed for a big heartbreak.
Heartbreakers lack commitment. As serious a thing love is, they want it to remain a game. But as long as hearts are real, any love that is unreal will continue to hurt the heart.
Festivals, music and the dance, most times that is what heartbreak-love is all about. However, when life suddenly drives into a serious season, at the time when you need them the most, heartbreak lovers walk away… with somebody else.
It is like you want to settle down but all your partner wants is driving on. It’s like you are a country mouse, you want to settle down, exert all your energy on one person, stop the tiresome searching process and start loving to the end. But your partner is a town mouse.
Used to instant coffee and driving in the free lane, to them falling in love is quick and so is falling out of love. They are born in skyscrapers – and it is as if they will first date the whole flat before settling down…
Now don’t get offended. Town and country mouse have been used illustratively to explain a person’s mentality, not to describe the effect of a person’s background in love relationships. Otherwise, love always needs to look beyond the background.
Beware of people who date only for the sake of dating. If someone dates you for a period of three months (and sometimes even less) without showing signs that they want to marry you… drop them! Move on! Otherwise you will trust where you are not loved, that is a Heartbreak Café.
Listen Girls: Some of you say you don’t want a guy who mentions marriage too soon – let me tell you the truth – the guy who doesn’t suggest long-term intentions within three months of dating you is so sure that he doesn’t see himself with you in the long term.
A guy knows before he approaches you, whether he wants you for a short run or forever. If he wants you forever, he just can’t hide it. He will say it. It will freak you out! That’s because he is the one.
But if you are just for a short run, he will never say anything to freak you out. Instead he will rush to ask for sex and touching or nude pictures.
He has nothing to wait for, so he will never try to wait. The reason your relationship will go so fast is because he would be hurrying off to be with someone else.
A boy’s mind is simple. If he doesn’t have marriage intentions, he has heartbreak intentions. That’s it. Don’t complicate it. We are NOT complicated.
So be freaked out if you date a guy who doesn’t freak you out with long term intentions within the first three months of seeing each other. It betrays he isn’t a commitment guy. And every guy who is bad at commitment is good at breaking hearts.
So my dear girl if you want to love a heartbreaker, go ahead – at least it’s different now because with all I have taught you, keeping a heartbreaker would be totally your choice.
* * *
So these are the nine (9) signs that tell if the love will end in heartbreak. You cannot notice them in one day, but take your time (that is called “giving love the test of time”).
Now that you have met nine signs of heartbreak-love, try sharing them with your friends, workmates or any other worthy people close to you. Not only will that help you internalize these principles and Kiss Heartbreak Goodbye; it will also help plunder the Heartbreak Café into emptiness. No one belongs to heartbreak living.
We all need someone, who truly loves us.
Now let’s discuss this final point in the next chapter…
