WHEN FIREWORKS AND bonfire smoke still clouded the early months of 2012, our jubilant hearts where abruptly broken by celebrities Heidi Klum and Seal’s divorce news. What had gone wrong?
We thought their past had anything to bond any two people together. Firstly, not even one year had gone without anniversary celebrations – the whole world thought they were happy.
The couple had had two children together. Heidi’s first daughter had taken Seal’s surname. What more would you want?
We all were convinced these two would break the Hollywood culture of heartbreak and divorce. But we were wrong. In 2012 the violin broke in two and the melody resolved with a “crack!” that disturbed our eardrums.
“The reasons?”
“What were the reasons?”
Unlike most celebrities that hide behind dark glasses and scream “Privacy! We want privacy!” Heidi Klum and Seal tried explaining the cause of their bad news.
They understood that their tears were also the world’s tears, or rather, the world’s fears. For that reason I find it noble to mention them in this book. Such two celebrities are rare to find.
The two celebrities said they had done some “soul searching” and discovered that they should take separate ways.
Soul searching? Do we do soul searching after the wedding day or before it? That is why in the last chapter we said everyone needs a season of singleness. Some have wasted that season puppy loving instead of soul searching.
After full seven years of marriage, of children and adoption, they completed their soul searching. Only to find what they had was actually not what they ever wanted.
Divorce is a difficult decision. We might never fully understand what happened between them because we were not the ones married to them. We can only glean a little of what they say and use it to understand what we can.
Anyway it happened. We just have to accept it and go on with life… like they did. Only that if a heartbreak memory keeps stirring the heart, the best way to let it go is by learning from it.
Using a microscopic eye one can notice fine differences between Heidi and Seal’s lives – differences which are as small as DNA molecules but just as important.
They form the basic building blocks of love relationships, thereby determining the relationship’s strength and longevity.
Seal grew up as a poor London boy (reportedly unwanted by his Nigerian Parents) but he rock climbed his way from dust and gravel to fame and wealth. Heidi was a German born supermodel, daughter of a business executive. Seal, a black man; Heidi, white.
Important Question
Is it possible to marry a person from another race or culture?
It is possible.
It has its own challenges.
It is possible because nothing is impossible to those who believe. Yet it is difficult because race is about different cultures and not merely different complexions. It is like two people, one from Mars the other from Venus coming together to make harmony on planet Earth.
Managing an interracial relationship must be something you enter well aware that great zest and perseverance will be required to make that love last.
You have to agree to disagree, and you both should be ready to totally break off from each other’s family traditions. You should be prepared to start a new tradition. Trying to import family traditions only makes it harder.
If you get along, why not?
When it comes to love, try to minimize as much differences as possible. Love and marry someone with whom you have areas of compatibility. The areas of compatibility must far outweigh the areas of incompatibility.
Areas of compatibility are similarities between two people; these similarities are what both hearts and minds can use as meeting points. Conversation and cooperation begin from there.
Compatibility can be summarized as the capability to live together in harmony.
There are five foundational areas of compatibility upon which every relationship should be built in order to make it last. They appear in order of importance.
1. Spiritual Compatibility
The most basic area of compatibility is spiritual compatibility. It is almost impossible to bond with a person who has different fundamental beliefs from yours. As a rule of love, marry within your religion.
In the Bible Israelites where not allowed to marry from other nations. Many have mistakenly interpreted that God is against inter-racial love. However, we see that Joseph loved and married an Egyptian woman, and he was happy.
Moses too married an Ethiopian woman, and she managed to be the mother of the Exodus even though Miriam had murmured against it.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with marrying someone from a different race than yours. Absolutely nothing wrong. What God was actually addressing is the issue of Spiritual Compatibility.
Israelites represented believers and Gentiles (other nations) represented unbelievers. God doesn’t advise a believer to marry an unbeliever. This is because such a union weakens steadfastness of faith.
The day you choose your life partner is as critical as the day you were born. Any disability at birth would affect your life forever. Similarly, any wrong move in selecting your life partner can ruin your life.
You will spend a greater part of your lifetime with your partners than with your parents. This is why we should choose our life partners wisely. A wrong partner not only takes away your happiness, but takes away your personal relationship with God as well.
Learn from the following two examples. They all are true stories.
i. Solomon
Solomon is proclaimed the wisest man who ever lived – yet he lost his kingdom when he chose a wrong partner.
King Solomon’s Story
1 But king Solomon loved many strange women…
2 Of the nations concerning which the Lord said unto the children of Israel, Ye shall not go in to them, neither shall they come in unto you: for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods: Solomon clave unto these in love.
3 And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart.
4 For it came to pass, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned away his heart after other gods: and his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father.
5 For Solomon went after Ashtoreth the goddess of the Zidonians, and after Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites.
6 And Solomon did evil in the sight of the Lord, and went not fully after the Lord, as did David his father.
7 Then did Solomon build an high place for Chemosh, the abomination of Moab, in the hill that is before Jerusalem, and for Molech, the abomination of the children of Ammon.
8 And likewise did he for all his strange wives, which burnt incense and sacrificed unto their gods.
9 And the Lord was angry with Solomon, be-cause his heart was turned from the Lord God of Israel, which had appeared unto him twice,
10 And had commanded him concerning this thing, that he should not go after other gods: but he kept not that which the Lord commanded.
11 Wherefore the Lord said unto Solomon, Forasmuch as this is done of you, and you hast not kept my covenant and my statutes, which I have commanded you, I will surely rend the kingdom from you, and will give it to your servant.
12 Notwithstanding in your days I will not do it for David your father’s sake: but I will rend it out of the hand of your son.
1 KINGS 11:1-12
Marry someone who will help you love than help you lose your God. You will never regret having made a wise choice.
ii. Samson
Samson the strongest man who ever lived is known for killing more than one thousand soldiers using a jawbone of a donkey. But because of a wrong life partner called Delilah, Samson lost his might, lost his strength, his eyes were gorged out and he died a suicidal death.
Samson’s Heartbreak’s Story
15 And Delilah said unto Samson, How can you say, I love you, when your heart is not with me? You have mocked me these three times, and have not told me where your great strength lies.
16 And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;
17 That he told her all his heart, and said unto her. There hath not come a razor upon mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother’s womb: if I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.
18 And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart, she sent and called for the lords of the Philistines, saying, Come up this once, for he has told me all his heart. Then the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and brought money in their hand.
19 And she made him sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head; and she began to afflict him, and his strength went from him.
20 And she said, The Philistines be upon you, Samson! And he awoke out of his sleep, and said, I will go out as at other times before, and shake myself. And he did not know that the LORD was disappeared from him.
21 But the Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with chains of brass; and he did grind in the prison house.
30 And Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines!” And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life.
– JUDGES 16:15-21, 30
I am sure Samson would have done more with his strength in his life time, had he found an encouraging partner, rather than a destructive one. Don’t you think?
Be you not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
2 CORINTHIANS 6:14
Here is the point:
Look for someone within your faith (religion).
Let it be someone most likely from your church, or someone whose church customs you understand well.
Marry someone from a church whose pastor you would respect if he/she was to advise your relationship.
In simpler terms…
The secret of love is finding someone with as many similar beliefs and convictions to yours as possible. Minimise on differences and maximize on similarities.
2. Destiny Compatibility
Marriage is a resource and not a reason of life.
We are not born for marriage; we marry for what we are born for. Marriage is not a destination; it is the resource that we need in order to reach our destination.
How do you know he/she is the right one?
The “love at first sight,” the “butterflies in the stomach,” and the thrilling “sensations” seem to be leading us into Heartbreak Cafés over and over again – Heartbreak Cafés where the only drinks served are bitter tears.
What ruler do you use to judge that a person’s character is fit for you? The answer is: Purpose.
Purpose refers to your ultimate goal of life. What do you believe you were born for? Every day, what are you living for?
A sense of purpose is not only a map of life that helps you make right decisions; it is a light that helps you know who your real friends are and, in this case, – it shows you who your love really is.
No-one is born an accident. Each of us is born for a purpose.
Once again, what are you living for? What are your dreams ten years from now? What about thirty years from now? By the end of your life – who and what will you be?
Have a dream. There is a difference between fantasy and lifetime dream. A fantasy is a castle in the air, out of this world and inapplicable to the laws of nature. A dream is a realistic (though difficult) plan that you have for your life.
If your dream is clear to you, it will begin to determine your partnerships.
Before you love, a question will always come to your mind – will this creature of beauty or handsomity help me reach the fruition of my life-time dream?
Does this character complement my destiny? The reason we love and marry is so that we can have someone to fulfil destiny with.
True Story: A European Head of State
I stumbled upon a European Head of State some years back on the France24 news bulletin. This President had flown to the United States to look for his wife. She had run off and, for six months, was living-in with her boyfriend in the United States.
Upon being asked why she had fled the comfort of the statehouse and the status of First Lady she replied with cynicism,
“I never dreamt myself as a first lady.”
True Story: A Pastor
Recently I met a pastor whose ministry problems began the day he got married. He wholeheartedly loved the LORD and His people. But every time the members of his congregation visited, they went home with bruises on their hearts.
This is because towards visitors, the Pastor’s wife was as cold and rigid as an ice-bag. Not forgetting to mention her razor sharp tongue, and her gossip culture!
Even when finances misbalanced in the house, she would not hesitate to threaten divorce. This affected the pastor’s ministry strongly.
“Don’t expect me to be kind! You may be a pastor but I am not. You are called, I am not called,” she would say.
True Story: A Woman who Started a Business
I know of a woman who wanted to start a retailing business all her life. That was her dream. But her husband would never want to hear about it.
Sometimes she would assume some independence and start running a business all by herself. But as you know, business always comes along with its own challenges…
Not long she would have slumped back, writhing and drowning in the quicksand of discouragement. Her husband would not raise even a small finger to save her. It is a sad story, but that is what happens in a marriage of conflicting dreams, goals and destiny orientations.
I had to travelled to speak at a conference in South Africa when these words were impressed on my heart:
Before you choose to love, choose to live. Before you start seeking who to live with, start seeking what to live for.
First find your purpose, and then find who to share it with.
Whoever doesn’t complement your dreams is not the one, no-matter how pretty or handsome they may seem.
It’s your purpose that decides your partner and not your partner that decides your purpose.
As you have seen from the examples, loving a person who is incompatible with your destiny will not make either of you happy.
Find a person with whom you have destiny compatibility. This is someone with similar dreams and sense of purpose to yours.
With such a person you are more than simply two people sharing a home; instead you are two people sharing a life… that makes you one – bonds you soul to soul. Rejoice, you will be among those people who are successfully escaping the Heartbreak Café!
3. Compatibility in Financial and Money Matters
More than 50% of break-ups and divorces are due to money problems.
He is so stingy he doesn’t let a coin slip through his fingers? She is so overspending that leaving her with a credit card even for a few a minutes is your worst nightmare? When he gets money he gets inconsiderate? When she gets money she gets bossy?
Money is like an amplifier or magnifying glass. Money doesn’t change our character, it only makes it clearer.
If you want to know a person’s character, give that person money.
True Story: She Found Wealth but Lost Her Love
Some years back Time magazine released an article called Twenty Five People Shaping Technology Today. Steve Jobs the late, and Bill Gates were there, but one woman caught my attention…
This woman had finally turned a billionaire, had bought a new home for herself and her husband… then the worst occurred. One evening after a long day’s work she was welcomed by a cold bedroom. Her husband had left.
He said he had left her to enjoy all the wealth she had made, because she deserved it and he did not. She is an example of many women to-day who have entered the Women Billionaires Club with a heartbreak and a bitter mouth gagging loneliness.
A good sign of lasting love is when the couple has similar views and philosophy about money. People with polarized financial views are most likely to argue over almost everything, (even that which doesn’t seem to involve money). This is because in life almost everything circulates around money …
The Following Things Need Money
This list aims to show you that you will always need money from your first day in love to the end of your life.
- Going out
- Getting married (bride price is called for especially in many African countries)
- A wedding party – requires money no-matter how big or small.
- Honeymoon
- Staying together – two become one but two don’t live as cheaply as one
- Food
- Clothes
- Owning/renting a home
- Sometimes maintaining the in-laws (especially Mother and Father in laws, in some cases younger siblings to both husband and wife.)
- Celebrating birthdays
- Illnesses and other accidents
- Pregnancy and supporting their infancy
- Schooling the children
The list is endless but the whole point is if two people have polarized views about money and finance, it will be no surprise to find them quarrelling over everything and anything.
Remember,
Money answers all things.
ECCLESIASTES 10:19
3 Questions to Measure Financial Compatibility
i. Do we both have tolerable spending habits? (spending that doesn’t mis-prioritize commodities)
ii. Do we share similar giving habits?
iii. Do we hold a similar financial vision? It might not be as identical as a mirror image – but there must at least be a form of resemblance.
I advise you to read my book How to Do More with Your Money. It will teach you how to manage your personal money as an individual and as a family. It will increase your financial compatibility in your relationship as well.
Sometimes that’s why I teach on money management during some of my couples’ sessions. Do you know why you come for a relationship seminar and end up also getting a bonus money seminar?
It’s because the issues that are really breaking people apart are not even love related. Some are just divergent financial philosophies. By teaching a couple the same money management skills, it helps bring their financial perceptions together.
4. Recreational Compatibility
Love is all about friendship – and friendship is mainly playing together. Some people are too far apart. They like different sports.
They laugh at different jokes; they enjoy different kinds of novels and can never enjoy the same movies or music.
If you cannot laugh together you cannot live together. Your life partner must be your laugh partner. J
The test of recreational compatibility is simply asking…
What are the common ways in which we spend our leisure time? Can we both be free and happy sharing our leisure? Or only one person is happy at the expense of the other?
In some relationships only one person enjoys while the other takes a Prince Charming stance
“Enjoy yourself, “that’s what I am here for, to see you happy” yet at the same time he is hiding his piteous self within.
She responds, amused but trying to seem disapproving, “Hey? What about you?”
“Don’t worry about me. As long as you are happy, I am happy…”
Lie! Lie! Lie!
There is no such thing as “as long as you are happy, I am happy.” Yes love is about giving ourselves to others, but no-one is designed to always give in the same way no-one should always receive.
Love in which it is always one person happy at the expense of the other is soon to meets its dead end.
Though it cannot be perfect, there has to be some similarities in things that make a couple laugh and smile and how the two spend their leisure time.
Where the recreational compatibility areas are not exactly similar (for instance, where one is musical and the other is not), there must be enough interest in your partner’s recreational activities, and vice-versa.
5. Mental and Emotional Compatibility
In the same way you should find someone with whom you laugh heart to heart, it is also an advantage to find someone with whom you see eye to eye.
Biblical David married Abigail not only because she understood what he was thriving for in his life, but also because she sympathized with his pain.
Abigail was mentally fit enough to advise David; and emotionally intelligent enough to soothe his anger.
Love is as much about partnership as much as it is about companionship. Companionship is walking side by side. Partnership is thinking side by side.
The purpose of love and marriage is to find and secure someone who can help you think and stay calm through life’s moments.
There are two reasons why we love…
i. We love in order to extend our mental capacities.
We want someone who can help us handle more stresses and questions of life with less self-harm or burden.
ii. We love in order to extend our emotional capacities.
So that we can handle more problems and maintain more happiness than we ever could handle alone.
Therefore, when choosing to love, don’t be satisfied with the beauty and the charm alone. What you really need is the person inside. Does his/her mental reasoning build or destroy you?
This is something you have to sit down and evaluate carefully. Ask nobody else except yourself – am I becoming a better person or I am losing who I am for nothing?
These are the Big Five areas of compatibility.
- Spiritual Compatibility
- Destiny Compatibility
- Compatibility in Finance and Money Matters
- Recreational compatibility
- Mental and Emotional Compatibility
Do you have these five in balance? If so then congratulations you have started on a firm foundation.
PS: Compatibility is not something you can force. Don’t lie to yourself saying you can change your partner because to be honest… you cannot change your partner.
If his or her mother failed to change that person when he/she was still a baby what guarantee do you have that you can change your partner now?
Make them pretend, yes you can; but change them – no you cannot. You will spend all your life seeking a way but never finding. And that’s sad; it is like running and never finishing.
In life find someone as compatible to you as possible – especially in these Big five areas of compatibility.
After the Big Five, What’s Next?
The Big Five is not the end; actually it is the first step in the journey of a thousand miles. Now that you have found someone with fragments of compatibility, the next step is to build upon those.
Through conversation and cooperation in various tasks, a couple can grow to “inspire” each other into deeper levels of compatibility.
Listed below are some of those tasks that spearhead a couple into one intimate piece of flesh. They are processes, therefore don’t practice them once and think that is done with. Love grows when we do things together, not once but over and over again.
- Going to Church and Prayer meetings together. The Prayer room is a place of great aspirations and most humble souls. If you can kneel together in prayer, then you can stand together against anything in life.
- Window shopping – this is more effective than real shopping, it reveals each other’s individual tastes without limitations of current financial status
- Actual Shopping – if disagreements where eggs, a shopping spree would be their basket. You will always have points of disagreement when shopping, no-matter how much deep in love you feel you are…
I know you might be thinking it is mostly due to your differences in price preference, but I wish to help you by saying money is never a problem when you are shopping with your lover.
Every man goes prepared for that to some extent. You real points of argument will be the petty things like colour and shape of objects…
It is the small things that spark great flames; and that should help you know that there are no such things as a small things.
Forewarned is forearmed. On a shopping spree with your lover, always be prepared to compromise or to be advised to see from the other’s opinion.
- Cooking a meal – cooking is an art; we express ourselves through it.
- Going out for Chicken and Chips and chats
- Picnic
- To the movies – because movies are never real, the best way to live them is to watch them together.
- To a soccer match – or any other preferred sport common to both, or at least tolerable to the other. If you worked out on your Big Five well, this task should not be a challenge.
- Work together in a church/community program e.g. spending time at an orphanage during weekends, advising and encouraging the younger generation on relationships and life in general – by helping others you indirectly help yourselves.
- Work together on a project, e.g. writing a book, or business plan
- Do Bible Study together
- Playing a sport together
- Study together (academic)
- Share books and magazines of interest, or watch TV
The goal is getting to know each other better. As you do that you will also grow to resemble one another more and more.
Your prevailing direction now onwards is to start celebrating and complementing each other’s differences.
You have begun well; in the next chapter we learn how to continue well…
