Here is the fourth quality that separates men from males, and men from boys…
4. Personal Responsibility
A man wields a mature sense of personal responsibility.
Irresponsible people are difficult to love. They are difficult to please and work with.
“Irresponsibles” blame everyone for bad things that happen and praise only themselves for the good. Marrying an irresponsible person is as good as stepping into a loveless relationship.
Ask yourself, Who does he blame for his present circumstances?
Even if the blame seems reasonable, a man who has someone to blame for his circumstances will never grow up.
Some Men Own a Blame Box
- Mother: she did not teach me enough
- Father: he was never there for me. He was a bad example that is why I am like this today.
- Siblings: it is my brothers and sister who walked away from me; otherwise I really wanted us to be close.
- Teacher: she talked so slow and she was ill-skilled, that is why I failed.
- Family doctor: he delayed giving her the injection otherwise my mother would have lived through that attack.
- Pastor: it is not like I don’t like him. I just don’t like how he says it, how he advises people you know. That is why I never listen.
- Friends: I could have been better off today had it not been for those losers who wasted my time.
- Ex-Girlfriend: she ruined my life; I was not prepared to be a father.
- Current Girlfriend: she is really dragging me, I could have been somewhere by now, I have always had big dreams.
Does he sound familiar?
To somebody or to… you?
Brothers Tom and James’ Story
We grew up hearing this anecdote…
Twin brothers Tom and James were sons to Desmond. Desmond was a well-known city drunkard, disgustingly unkempt, irresponsible, loud and physically abusive. He died bankrupt, and as a failure. The only inheritance that his children received where devastating debts.
Tom grew up to be like Desmond. He became a city drunkard, divorced many times and lived a life of debts and bankruptcy.
James on the other hand, grew up to be a church saint, married successfully and had a happy healthy family.
Upon each of them being asked how they ended up as the people they were, both Tom and James gave the same answer,
“What did you expect with a father like mine?”
Moral of the story: we can have the same upbringing but grow up to be different people because we are products of choice not past histories. Stop blaming the people in your past and take personal responsibility for your present. That is the best way to shape your tomorrow.
This is also an area I always to hammer the most during my men’s seminars. That’s because if you can teach a man to take responsibility, you would have taught him to take back his life! Anyone who lives life blaming others for his failures can never be responsible for his own success.
Five Main Areas of Personal Responsibility are:
i. A man takes personal responsibility over his destiny
By not accepting personal responsibility for our circumstances, we greatly reduce our power to change them.
“The best years of life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You don’t blame them on your mother, the president or the ecology. You realise that you control your own destiny.”
ALBERT ELLIS
ii. A man takes responsibility for his character
If your parents were a bad example, the least you can do is not to be as bad as them.
You cannot blame your parents forever.
“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.”
ANNE FRANK
J. K. Rowling, the author of the epic series Harry Potter puts it more simply,
There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you on the wrong direction.
J. K. ROWLING
In my other book Cinderella Taught me Lessons I write that
There is an expiry date for blaming your parents for where you end up in life..
MOFFAT MACHINGURA | Cinderella Taught me Lessons
iii. A man takes responsibility for his actions
“I was only following orders” is a silly excuse. Did not your conscience order you against what people ordered you to do?
In life there is no such thing as “I had no option.” Life is always full of options – but we make choices according to what we don’t mind hurting, or what we think will retaliate less.
We do what we do, because we don’t want to confront certain things – we have chosen to fear those things more than we fear hurting others.
Take responsibility for your actions
iv. A man takes responsibility for his emotions
As the rule goes:
No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
We cannot choose who offends us, but we can choose how to respond when we are offended.
Some men when frustrated, they bark at everyone. They slam the doors, throw furniture through the balcony, punch the walls and when they suddenly notice and feel ashamed of the mess they are making, they shout a lame excuse,
“You make me mad!!!”
No-one makes anybody mad, otherwise, the world would constitute of mad people all over. How we respond to people’s offending words and actions is our personal choice. Control yourself. Take responsibility for how you respond to life’s frustrations. That is what is called growing up.
v. A man is responsible for his spiritual life
I have heard many young men say,
“I want a woman who deeply loves God. Someone who understands life enough and will teach our children true and proper God-inspired values.”
That is a good desire. However, the rule of love is: if you want a good, faithful and God-loving partner, first you got to be one yourself.
In life we don’t attract what we want, we attract who we are.
If you want a woman of God, be a man of God yourself. If you want a man of God – be a woman of God yourself.
Take responsibility for your own spiritual life. Don’t go about marrying someone who will pray for you, fast for you, faith for you, preach to you… if you find such a person you will kill her spirit. If she doesn’t die spiritually, she will walk away in search of greener pastures for her soul.
Signs of a man who is responsible for his spiritual life are crystal clear.
- Goes to church all by himself
- Frequently reads his bible without supervision
- Fasts for himself
- He is bothered by sin, even those personal weaknesses that no-one can see.
- Can very well teach words of life from the word of God
- Vehemently disputes sexual sin (not one who tempts his girlfriend to sin, or threatens to cheat on her if she denies him sex. Even if he sings like an angel in the church choir – there is no fear of God in that man).
- Inspires others to worship God more
- Seeks to please God in everything he does
- Encourages you to seek God more
5. Prosperity
A real man can sustain a living, and possesses prosperity potential.
“Should I marry for money or for love?” one girl once asked her grandma. To which after a thoughtful pause her grandma replied, “Dear, hang out with the rich and marry for love.”
“All you need is love” is one other soap opera lie that has led many into untimely relationships, struggling marriages and poorly miserable lives.
Two become one but two don’t live as cheaply as one. Love is not all you need – you will also need food, clothes and a roof over your heads. Silly, but so true.
By prosperity I mean nothing else except wealth and money. Money separates men from the boys, it separates between master and slave, the borrower from the lender… you name it.
To Men: some men dash to marry, but when it comes to proper duties of manhood unto which God has called every man to fulfil i.e. breadwinning, many are found slack and lacking.
What makes you a man is not that you can impregnate a woman. What makes you a man is the ability to take care of that woman, and to take care of each baby she can bear.
Can you sustain her life?
In Africa there is a lobola price for a man who wants to marry. The lobola is the money that the bride’s family calls for before they let their daughter go with the groom.
In Zimbabwe specifically, my studies show that the minimum lobola price is about six thousand United States dollars (US$ 6,000).
The universal purpose of the lobola is that it proves whether the African man can take care of the woman he is marrying, including the family he is going to build through her. The lobola concept asks you again and again, can you sustain her?
My goal is not to frighten you. My goal is to make you fight your fears. Be honest with yourself, can you sustain her?
If you cannot, then slow down before you embarrass yourself. Go make money because
(i) You can – you are a man, and a man can!
(ii) Because you will need it.
Did you know? The word “Responsibility” actually comes from two words – Response + Ability. That means the ability to respond to the situation. You have the Ability to respond to the Demands of your family, no matter how big.
As a man you have the responsibility over your family – that simply means what you have inside you is an Ability (enablement, intelligence, aptitudes, capability, potential) to Respond (deal with, solve, meet) to the demands (whether they be financial, emotional, spiritual etc.) in your family.
Observe the pit where most men have fallen and avoid the same fall. Most men have fallen into this pit of neglect. They have “neglected” making money preferring to waste their precious time dating one woman after another.
Not long they realised they had come of age, so they settled down like everyone does. But deep within they were never settled.
The financial demands that they neglected meeting in their young days, never wavered haunting them again when they were married men.
Q. So what should a wise young man do before he chooses to love?
That’s a question one young man asked me during a seminar. Dating is expensive. Dating can feel miserable when you are broke. So my answer to that was clear:
A. Before you love or marry, first secure your future. You can secure your future through the following three ways.
Three (3) Effective Ways to Secure your Future
i. Balance your studies.
In order to make a living, you need some level of education. It might not be a professorship, but a good certificate starts your life at an advantage.
ii. At least get a job.
Yes! Stop burdening other people. At least afford your own tenant fees and medical aid.
iii. Run your own business.
A job is only an income trickle; your own business is an income channel.
Who said you have to marry first in order to start a business? Where is it written in the Bible or constitution of your country, that companies are only meant for the married? Don’t wait till you are forty – dig your own income channel now.
The best time to start a business is when you are still young and single.
(i) You can take any risk without inconveniencing anyone. Less people will be hurt, therefore changing direction and course of business will be easier.
(ii) Early business days can be demanding. Because you are young, you can afford to give it all the energy and attention it might need.
In Africa there is a noble belief that a woman’s life should be promoted through the marriage she finds. If you marry her sleeping on the floor, she must start sleeping on the bed.
If she was already sleeping on a double bed at her father’s home, she must start sleeping on a queen bed in your home. If she lived in a hut, she must start living in a house; if she is from a house then you must place her into a palace. In Africa that is what husband means – the ability to respond financially from the very first wedding day.
Young man: go make money! The number one mission of a young man is to make money.
Actually, let me endorse my book here: NOT because its mine but because I know it will work for you. It worked for me too. Get my book How to Do More with Your Money and it will open your eyes to the discipline of making and keeping money.
It will also show you three simplest ways to find business ideas that most rich people around you are using right now.
To women: Wealth charms women as much as beauty charms men. Finding your true love and escaping the Heartbreak Café, however, demands that you stick to the old saying – not all that glitters is gold.
Many times a woman who finds a prosperous man soon learns that she is not the only woman he has found. Just as looks may deceive; money too doesn’t reveal character.
So in choosing your love always keep this in mind – a person’s character is always worth more than money. He rather be poor and good, than rich and bad. Above all, he is best both rich and good.
Beware that you don’t develop into the character of the gold-digger. Gold-diggers hardly find true love. If they find it, they take it for granted; and there is no greater rejection as being taken for granted. The reason gold-diggers trivialise relationships is because they don’t know love, they only know money.
Money-centeredness blinds many women into thinking a simple good man cannot love them enough. This makes them vulnerable to heartbreakers and hymen hunters.
These later men are sweet, and professionally experienced to make you feel as light as a butterfly flying in the rainbow across the sky. But when they get what they want – sex – they simply walk away.
It is like they take all the wings they borrowed you, and you fall with a thud. Your heart shatters into granules. That is why it is called a heart-break. Something inside you really breaks.
From there it takes a truly patient God-loving young man with the help of a diligent pastor/counsellor to glue those pieces of the heart again.
Even if she was to find a good man, a seriously heartbroken woman will take long before she trusts again.
Otherwise for some heartbroken women, little help comes, and a new trend begins…the bitter pain strongly possesses her and she also turns into a heartbreaker (a heartbreak agent) – ever unfaithful and never ashamed – all to her own further peril.
Not all rich men are crude, Not all Poor Men are good. Get that right.
Rich doesn’t mean he is crude, poor doesn’t mean he is good.
Actually this book emphasises that a real man either has money or the potential to earn it. Right now he has nothing, but where do you see him a number of years from now? Do you think he still can be as helpless as he is today?
Be frank to yourself and to him. If he is not going anywhere in life, then look him straight in the eyes and inform him that you are not going anywhere with him either.
If he has the potential, and it is visible enough that you can see it, then believe in him. Assure him you will stand by his side and help make every piece of his dreams come true. That’s love.
If you cannot notice a man’s success and or his potential, then tell him to slow down. He is rushing it. Skipping life stages will haul along bitter consequences.
We cannot share what we don’t have. We first must go find a life before we seek someone to share it with. He doesn’t have to be rich, but at least his life must make sense.
Also tell him how after his life begins to make sense, he will also discover you are not even the girl he wanted. Confused people are confused even in who they want.
Promise him it is most likely that when he returns he will find you gone (because unlike him you know where you are going).
Please don’t forget he is still a boy, the best thing you can do for him is knock some sense into his watermelon (Or pardon me, I mean his head).
Additionally, also see Question 79 in Section 2 of this book: “I’m a lady with my own wealth and running my own businesses. Should I look for a man who is rich?” It discusses the instance of a lady that makes more money than her man.
6. Power
A real man can use power, rather than let power use him
Adam’s manhood was partly completed by his dominion on earth. You cannot separate a man from power. Man needs power.
The difference between a man and a boy can be seen in how they use power. Some people use power, whilst they are some who let power use them.
There are men who are bad heads. They are constantly bullying and bossing people around. At home they command their partners, children and siblings around, at work they boss everyone without regarding how others feel, what others desire, or what others are going through.
Abusive men – they don’t show up to help people fulfil their dreams, instead they show up to use you fulfil theirs. Theirs is not this mature world of loving and being loved – theirs is a childish realm of self-centeredness.
They believe they alone have universal dreams, they alone have a perfect judgment, and they alone should have the final say. They possess an unbearable self-centeredness trapped in a muscular carcass of adult manhood. That is why we call them boys.
In love and marriage, these “boys” are over-possessive and extremely controlling. Falling in love with them can be one of the most thigh twisting and ankle fracturing falls of all.
Loving a power-maniac is imprisoning yourself in a dark cell characterized of being continuously pushed around, normally disrespected and never appreciated.
Love is for men. Love is not for boys. Woe to her who keeps a power-maniac, for she is about to witness in her life, the agony of hell broken loose.
Walk away from Mr. Possessive. You are a person not a possession!
* * *
These are the six qualities I have always taught to men in my seminars and conferences. They are the six qualities that separate men from males.
A man…
- Lives with sense of Purpose
- Has his Life centred on bedrock Principles
- Pursues a personal Relationship with God
- Wields a mature sense of Responsibility
- Is Prosperous, or has a Prosperity Potential that in the meantime sustains a normal living.
- Can use Power rather than be used by power.
If a woman was to turn down a man for lacking any of the above, then she is a wise woman. She knows the way to finding true love and escaping the Heartbreak Café.
If a man develops himself in the above areas, then he has made himself fit for love. He will not destroy love when it comes, instead he has learnt to embrace and grow it.
But if he is still a boy, then let him know it his boyhood that will drive his true love away.
Dear brother: Stand up and be a man.
Now let’s talk about women…
