LET’S FACE IT! Some people are bad beyond tolerance. You can never love them and still be happy. You regret every day you loved them.
Loving a scorpion is setting up yourself for a sting. If you keep hugging a thorny tree, you are the one who will always cry.
This chapter helps build the lovable woman.
If you are a man it helps you recognize the lovable woman. But before we begin, here are some notes to the two sexes:
To women:
Develop yourself for the sake of love.
True love and lasting marriage is something you have to continually develop yourself for.
To men:
Love at first sight is never enough. Don’t choose a wife by impulse. There is statement that says “What is now reason was formally impulse.” That means there is nothing wrong with impulse, you just have to allow it enough time to transform into reason.
Impulses are good starting points – but judge your impulses according to the points given in this chapter. Assess whether you are right.
You might be right you might be wrong…put it to the test. Does she pass the Everyone Woman’s Test?
Now, let’s begin!
Every Woman’s Test
10 Qualities that Make a Good Woman
The following true story contains ten qualities of every good woman. Like the Heartbreak Café of Amnon and Tamar, the following Biblical story capsules all the clear and basic qualities that make good women good.
Rebekah’s Story
1. And Abraham was old, and well stricken in age: and the Lord had blessed Abraham in all things.
2 And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray you, your hand under my thigh:
3 And I will make you swear by the Lord, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that you shall not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell:
4 But you shall go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac.
5 And the servant said unto him, Perhaps the woman will not be willing to follow me unto this land: must I bring your son again unto the land from where you came from?
6 And Abraham said unto him, Beware that you don’t bring my son there again.
7 The Lord God of heaven, which took me from my father’s house, and from the land of my kindred, and which spoke unto me, and that swear unto me, saying, Unto your seed will I give this land; he shall send his angel before you, and you shall take a wife unto my son from thence.
8 And if the woman will not be willing to follow you, then you shall be clear from this my oath: only bring not my son thither again.
9 And the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master, and swear to him concerning that matter.
10 And the servant took ten camels of the camels of his master, and disappeared; for all the goods of his master were in his hand: and he arose, and went to Mesopotamia, unto the city of Nahor.
11 And he made his camels to kneel down outside the city by a well of water at the time of the evening, even the time that women go out to draw water.
12 And he said, O Lord God of my master Abraham, I pray you, send me good speed this day, and show kindness unto my master Abraham.
13 Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water:
14 And let it come to pass, that the damsel (young woman) to whom I shall say, Let down your pitcher, I pray you, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give your camels drink also: let the same be she that you have appointed for your servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that you hast showed kindness unto my master.
15 And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham’s brother, with her pitcher upon her shoulder.
16 And the damsel was very fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her: and she went down to the well, and filled her pitcher, and came up.
17 And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray you, drink a little water of your pitcher.
18 And she said, Drink, my lord: and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink.
19 And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for your camels also, until they have done drinking.
20 And she hasted, and emptied her pitcher into the trough, and ran again unto the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels.
21 And the man wondering at her held his peace, to wit whether the Lord had made his journey prosperous or not.
22 And it came to pass, as the camels had done drinking, that the man took a golden earring of half a shekel weight, and two bracelets for her hands of ten shekels weight of gold;
23 And said, Whose daughter are you? tell me, I pray you: is there room in your father’s house for us to lodge in?
24 And she said unto him, I am the daughter of Bethuel the son of Milcah, which she bare unto Nahor.
25 She said moreover unto him, We have both straw and provender enough, and room to lodge in.
26 And the man bowed down his head, and worshipped the Lord.
27 And he said, Blessed be the Lord God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy and his truth: I being in the way, the Lord led me to the house of my master’s brethren.
28 And the damsel ran, and told them of her mother’s house these things.
29 And Rebekah had a brother, and his name was Laban: and Laban ran out unto the man, unto the well.
30 And it came to pass, when he saw the earring and bracelets upon his sister’s hands, and when he heard the words of Rebekah his sister, saying, Thus spoke the man unto me; that he came unto the man; and, behold, he stood by the camels at the well.
31 And he said, Come in, you blessed of the Lord; why do you stand outside? for I have prepared the house, and room for the camels.
32 And the man came into the house: and he ungirded his camels, and gave straw and provender for the camels, and water to wash his feet, and the men’s feet that were with him.
33 And there was set meat before him to eat: but he said, I will not eat, until I have told my errand. And he said, Speak on.
34 And he said, I am Abraham’s servant.
35 And the Lord hath blessed my master greatly; and he is become great: and he hath given him flocks, and herds, and silver, and gold, and menservants, and maidservants, and camels, and asses.
36 And Sarah my master’s wife bare a son to my master when she was old: and unto him hath he given all that he hath.
37 And my master made me swear, saying, You shalt not take a wife to my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I dwell:
38 But you shalt go unto my father’s house, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son.
39 And I said unto my master, Peradventure the woman will not follow me.
40 And he said unto me, The Lord, before whom I walk, will send his angel with you, and prosper your way; and you shall take a wife for my son of my kindred, and of my father’s house:
41 Then shall you be clear from this my oath, when you come to my kindred; and if they give not you one, you shall be clear from my oath.
42 And I came this day unto the well, and said, O Lord God of my master Abraham, if now you do prosper my way which I go;
43 Behold, I stand by the well of water; and it shall come to pass, that when the virgin comes forth to draw water, and I say to her, Give me, I pray you, a little water of your pitcher to drink;
44 And she say to me, Both drink you, and I will also draw for your camels: let the same be the woman whom the Lord hath appointed out for my master’s son.
45 And before I had done speaking in mine heart, behold, Rebekah came forth with her pitcher on her shoulder; and she went down unto the well, and drew water: and I said unto her, Let me drink, I pray you.
46 And she made haste, and let down her pitcher from her shoulder, and said, Drink, and I will give your camels drink also: so I drank, and she made the camels drink also.
47 And I asked her, and said, Whose daughter are you? And she said, The daughter of Bethuel, Nahor’s son, whom Milcah bare unto him: and I put the earring upon her face, and the bracelets upon her hands.
48 And I bowed down my head, and worshipped the Lord, and blessed the Lord God of my master Abraham, which had led me in the right way to take my master’s brother’s daughter unto his son.
49 And now if ye will deal kindly and truly with my master, tell me: and if not, tell me; that I may turn to the right hand, or to the left.
50 Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, The thing proceeds from the Lord: we cannot speak unto you bad or good.
51 Behold, Rebekah is before you, take her, and go, and let her be your master’s son’s wife, as the Lord hath spoken.
52 And it came to pass, that, when Abraham’s servant heard their words, he worshipped the Lord, bowing himself to the earth.
53 And the servant brought forth jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment, and gave them to Rebekah: he gave also to her brother and to her mother precious things.
54 And they did eat and drink, he and the men that were with him, and tarried all night; and they rose up in the morning, and he said, Send me away unto my master.
55 And her brother and her mother said, Let the damsel abide with us a few days, at the least ten; after that she shall go.
56 And he said unto them, Hinder me not, seeing the Lord hath prospered my way; send me away that
I may go to my master.
57 And they said, We will call the damsel, and inquire at her mouth.
58 And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, Will you go with this man? And she said, I will go.
59 And they sent away Rebekah their sister, and her nurse, and Abraham’s servant, and his men.
67 And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.
GENESIS 24:1- 59, 68 KJV
Why did God choose specifically Rebekah?
God looks at the heart. In Rebekah he saw ten things.
God was not trying to make a show. He did not choose her because He was God. Rebekah was fit for love. She had the qualities.
Here is every woman’s test that cannot be denied – 10 qualities of a good woman.
1. Met at the Well
And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel… with her pitcher upon her shoulder. (v15)
Water is life, and the well is a source of life.
In the Bible the well represents the church – a place of wisdom, righteousness, knowledge and understanding (Proverbs 18:4; 10:11; 16:22). A good woman is found in Church, that is the first quality.
True Story: Sam’s Story
Sam is one young newlywed who came to his pastor complaining of his wife’s overspending habits. He said she cannot be trusted with the credit card and the bank account.
After a couple of counselling hours, they were relaxed in a casual chat, when Sam’s pastor thought of asking him on how he had met Ruth his wife. Sam blissfully replied,
“It was during a Christmas Shopping spree…”
“Hold it right there,” the pastor interrupted before Sam could go on to narrate of the chocolate and the candy, the ice and the spice. “Sam, if you found her shopping, do you think you can stop her shopping?”
It is simple, in a Thailand bar, don’t go expecting anything beside a prostitute. If you don’t want a gambler don’t go seeking in a Las Vegas Casino. Go to church.
Of course, not everyone you find in church is a God-fearing person. A few of them were at that Thailand bar and Casino on Saturday night. However, if you are really looking for good devoted people, this is the best place to find them the most. And if your church has too few devoted people, leave that church. It’s not a church, it’s an embassy of hell.
The reason there are many disappointments is because people are searching for the right people in wrong places. As the angel at the open and empty tomb of Jesus Christ asked mankind a similar and deep question, to this day it remains unanswered,
“Why do you look among the dead for those who are living?”
Why do you look among the bad for those who are good?
2. She carried an empty pitcher
PS: Rebekah was not only found at the well, she was found with an empty container to draw water from the well. An empty container represents a thirst, an emptiness to draw up whatever is found in that well..
A good woman cannot be recognized by church attendance alone. A good woman has an emptiness, a thirst for the wisdom, presence and life that is found in that church where she is in.
She is not pretending to be good, nor is she in church for decoration. She is there because she has a genuine hunger for the things of God. She dies to know God more!
To both men and women: a deep unquenchable thirst for God’s presence is a sign of a good person. How do you recognize thirst?
- Thirsty people read their bible, listen to Christian messages, and seek to know God wholeheartedly without need of external supervision
- They have dedicated themselves prayer time, because they understand the power and importance of prayer
- They hate sin. If she is tempting you to sleep with, she is NOT Rebekah, she is Potiphar’s Wife! And if you have found a woman that hates sin, don’t try to make her love it.
Love that person. That is a good person.
Develop yourself into that person (be a person always thirst for the things of God), no matter how much it costs.
Like Rebekah, take up your pitcher.
3. She was the First at the Well
Rebekah was the earliest at the well. She was so early that she served the servant and watered ten camels before any of the daughters of man had come to the well.
You want a good woman in church? Then also check who comes to church (or any other forms of service) early.
Some women attend church regularly, seem to be having a great passion and thirst for God that we earlier referred to, but they are always late for church. Do you know why they are always late? There are two (2) main reasons for most women,
i. She is Making Up
Studies are showing that women spend an average of one hour twelve minutes every day getting ready (Esquire, 2011). Just making up and turning pretty.
There is nothing bad with being pretty. Beauty is a God-given talent that we should all conserve. However, a person who is always delayed from church making-up is making a statement. She is saying her beauty agenda can override the God agenda in her life. Beauty must never take God’s place.
Delaying the presence of God applying makeup shows that you might have a passion for God, but your passion for beauty exceeds your passion for God.
Sacrifice your sleeping hours. Sacrifice for your God. Wake up an hour and twelve minutes earlier so you can get ready without being late for church. Life is all about sacrifice, you have to avoid what means a lot to you in order to get what means a lot more.
Then when you get to church, please also remember to say,
“Thank you, God, for this beauty that you gave to me. I will take good care of it. But for now, don’t mind me when I cry in your presence and wear away this makeup, because it is your time now. As I have beautifully made up my face, please beautifully make up my heart.”
I dare you; you will have one of the most life transforming services of your life.
ii. She is waiting for her friends
Women are either like a school of fish or a pack of wolves, both the good and the bad like to travel in groups – chatting, giggling and bursting with laughter. However, sometimes their social ties delay them from important things.
Rebekah knew that sometimes friendships weight progress; that is why she chose to go to the well alone.
Our friends. We all would be lonely without them. But we should beware lest our affection for our friends depletes our affection for God.
As a rule of successful living, don’t be closer to your friends than you are close to your God. Don’t let your friends choose your God; let your God choose your friends. That alone is the secret to being happy with your God, yourself and your friends.
Ron Jenson also says,
“A friend is someone who knows all about me, likes me for who I am and has no plans for my personal improvement.”
Close friends hardly correct each other. This is because closeness between people increases tolerance for each other’s weaknesses. That is why it is easier to correct a stranger than a friend.
A good person has learnt he/she cannot always keep friends, and always keep God at the same time. At one time or another, friends must decrease so that we make worthwhile God-pleasing decisions.
To men: So you want to know if she is a good woman or not?
Regular Church attendance alone is not enough. Check how early she comes to church, how early for prayer, and how early for home seminars. How earlier than everybody else that she volunteers to sing or give a Bible reading.
“Early” is the keyword. If she is always early for God, she is good for you.
4. The Respect Test
She had never met the old man before, but Rebekah called her “my lord.” She did not call him “hey old man.” Rebekah passed the respect test.
To men: There is a difference between her respecting you and her being a respectful person. What you really need is a respectful woman NOT a woman who respects only you.
This old man was not the groom; neither did Rebekah know his agenda. Rebekah was not trying to impress anyone when she called him “lord.” She was simply expressing her respectful self.
This woman you have met, does she have a respectful self? If not, then you might be in a Heartbreak Café, a relationship set up for failure. In love, respect is everything.
Of course she doesn’t have to go about calling everybody “lord, lord.”
(In fact beware of those people with exaggerated gestures of respect – they gesture so quickly that you don’t find a chance to make any other impression about them except a good one, beware because they are mostly people of appearances with skeletons in their closets).
There are signs of respectfulness…
- A respectful woman can be recognized by her tone of voice when she talks to adults and seniors.
- Somehow she laughs below their laughter and speaks softer even if she knows she is speaking more sense.
- Even her greeting shows respect.
- When she is upset, she gets outspoken yet you can still sense the respectfulness on her tongue.
- She doesn’t slam the doors (there is never a need to slam the doors).
- She doesn’t point fingers or frown with cynicism against adults.
- She is firm but not rude.
- She doesn’t throw her hand in other people’s face.
- She doesn’t raise her voice (and for both men and women, staying calm is the most demanded conflict resolution skill in marriage).
- She addresses her elders with honour even in their absence.
- She sees people as special despite how ugly they look to her or how many mistakes they might have made.
Have you found such a woman? If you have, keep her. If you are that woman, take care of yourself, never allow yourself to change – you are what the world is talking about when people say “good.”
Does she pass the respect test? It will be easy for her to respect you, if she is already a respectful person.
Now lets move to test number 5…
