Do you ever feel like love is playing hide-and-seek with you?

In my love and relationships workshops, I meet many people who’ve searched for love for years, but keep getting hurt.

I ask them, “What are you truly looking for?” They often say, 

“I just want someone to make me happy. Is that too much to ask?”

From their answer, I can often see a few unhealthy ways of thinking that might be holding them back. 

Here’s the truth: having a healthy relationship requires a healthy mindset.

a) Looking for Someone Who Makes You Happy is a Fallacy

Don’t look for someone who makes you happy, learn to make yourself happy and look for someone who doesn’t take that happiness away.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

The truth is – nobody can make you happy in this world. Everybody can make you laugh but happiness is something you have to make on your own.

There is a danger in being dependent on people for your happiness.

You fall for the wrong people if you step into love looking for someone who can make you happy.

That’s how you get manipulated.

You end up keeping up with being taken for granted, despised and underestimated. Simply because “sometimes that person really makes you happy.”

Don’t look for someone who makes you happy, learn to make yourself happy and look for someone who doesn’t take that happiness away.

 If that person preserves your happiness by treating you respectfully and kindly as every person should be treated, the happiness you make for yourself will never die.

That’s the person to look for.

If you don’t know what you are looking for, you won’t recognise it even when you find it.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

b) Know What to Look for When Looking for Love

If you don’t know what you are looking for, how would you know when you have found it?

You think you will just know; but the truth is you are most likely to pass it by without even knowing that you have found it.

There are many girls who turned down good guys because they were “too good friends to be lovers.”

Such a girl didn’t know that the happiest relationships and marriages usually begin as friends.

Seeing the amazing friendship between them made her think she had found a friend, had she known what she was looking for, she would have recognized that she had found one of the most suitable potential life partners anyone could ever find.

Some guys dump girls for refusing them sex before marriage.

That guy doesn’t recognize that his girlfriend is exhibiting high self-control and faithfulness – a quality that will make her faithful to him for the rest of their married lives.

We are just searching without an idea of what to look for.

·        Hips and curves alone cannot qualify a woman to be your wife. Have better standards, dear brother.

·        A fat wallet and a broad chest alone cannot qualify a man to be your husband. Have better standards, dear sister.

We don’t know what we are looking for and as a result…

We meet the right people and fail to recognize them.

We pass them every time and live life telling everybody that we are unlucky in love.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

Here are 7 signs that show you have met the right person and you are in a healthy relationship.

7 Signs You Have Found a Healthy Relationship – Clear Signals You Have Met the Right Person

1. Peace is the First Sign of a Healthy Relationship

Always look for someone in whose presence you can be at peace.

I have observed that, in life,

I have observed in life, that peace is more precious than happiness because when peace is gone even happiness cannot stay.”

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

• You just want to be with someone with whom you don’t have to be always fighting.

• Someone who argues to find peace and calm, rather than start a war.

• You want to be with Someone who fills up your silent moments with jokes, laughter, and sense rather than feelings of revenge, ruminating over past hurts, and finding something to fight about.

Look for peace and calm in people.

When you stay away from dramatic people, drama stops happening.

When you find peaceful people, your relationship with them will be peaceful, that is if you are a peaceful person too.

If there is peace that’s a good sign of a healthy relationship.

2. Absence of Red Flags is a Sign of a Healthy Relationship

Even a bad relationship can make you happy sometimes. In fact, many times.

That’s why walking away can be so difficult.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

In my last post I shared on recognizing red flags, and gave you 7 signs of unhealthy relationships.

If any of those red flags are present in your relationship, all the signs of a healthy relationship you will get in this lesson don’t matter.

Red flags never turn white. Red is for danger, white is for peace.

When you see red flags know that you are in danger.

When you are walking in a forest and suddenly find yourself face to face with a lion or bear, you better find a tree to climb because it’s too late to tame that beast.

That’s the same with falling into a relationship that has any red-flag, your only solution is running, and taking cover. Be safe.

Don’t let the good times make you ignore red flags.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

No one is perfect but red flags are beyond imperfection, they show that you are in a mess.

The absence of those red flags is a good sign of a healthy relationship.

3. Mutual Commitment is a Big Sign of a Healthy Relationship

Love is NOT measured by the strength of its feelings but by the strength of its commitment.

A love relationship that is strong in feelings and weak in commitment is a big accident looking for somewhere to happen.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

In the free book How I Kissed Heartbreak Goodbye I wrote that

Feelings are the spice of love but commitment is the spine of love.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

Don’t settle for just the spice and lose the spine.

• Commitment is choosing to be kind even on days you wake up NOT feeling like.
• Commitment is crisscrossing the internet in search of memes and stories to spice up your relationship because the laughter in it sincerely matters to you.
• Commitment is being faithful to your partner even when you are tempted to cheat; because if you really love someone, you would never want to put yourself in a situation to hurt or lose them.
• Commitment is doing your best to make your relationship beautiful.

But most importantly – just like love, commitment is a waste of time if it’s only one way.

When there is no commitment, you only get love after you demand it. You are only complemented when you ask.

Don’t beg for love.

Love is supposed to be a gift and a gift ceases to be a gift when its demanded.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

May the story of your life be the story of a person who was committed to someone who was committed.

Two-way commitment is a sign of a healthy relationship, without it love becomes a setup for a break-up.

If you feel that you are getting the same effort that you are giving, if you feel loved as much as you are loving – then congratulations you have found a relationship that will keep you happy.

4. Trustworthiness (NOT Trust) is a sign of Healthy Relationship

Samantha never touched her boyfriend’s phone, and he always kept himself far from hers.

That feels creepy.

But they never called it creepy.

They called it “trust.”

Then one day, having happily dated him for 2 years, Samantha couldn’t help but notice that she knew everything about him except the part that lives in his phone.

As long as you live outside his phone, there is a part of him that you can never be part of.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

And she had felt that for a long time now.

At first, she respected NOT touching his phone as privacy, but as the years went by and the private remained private – she started to suspect that this privacy was actually secrecy.

So he was taking a shower the other day when she picked up his phone and followed the swipe pattern he always used to unlock his phone.

It unlocked!

Just like that, she was inside his phone. She dove into the WhatsApp messenger as quickly as someone on fire jumps into a swimming pool.

But the fire in her soul suddenly turned to ice.

Right in front of her eyes was a horror that froze her still.

It was a truth that would have been so easy to see had she been more keen on finding the truth than on believing a lie…

Her boyfriend was a married man.

The chats were clear. And the pictures in the gallery kept speaking their thousands of words, it was impossible NOT to hear them.

He had a wife and 3 kids in the neighboring country. Though Samantha and him had been seeing each other for 2 years, his lastborn baby was only 6 months old.

Ouch! It all started to make sense.

Every time he left the country on business trips, he was just visiting his family and conjuring up stories about his business adventures on his return.

I asked Samantha,

“Yes you wish you had searched his phone earlier, you could have known sooner and wasted less time. But my question is – what made you trust him all these years?”

“I trusted him because I loved him” She paused, then continued “When you love someone shouldn’t you trust them? Isn’t love a game of trust?”

To which I frankly replied “No! No! and No!”

Love is NOT a game of trust.

In fact,

Love is NOT a game at all, and even if it was, it would be a game of “trustworthiness” NOT a game of trust.

Loving someone doesn’t make that person trustworthy.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

It’s NOT about being trusted, it’s about being worth trusting.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

Never give trust to someone who hasn’t given you trustworthiness.

Don’t be unbelieving, but be distrusting.

That means,

Be willing to believe when you see signs of honesty and reliability in a person. But before that, never feel guilty for being distrustful.

Trust is earned NOT demanded.

Trust is awarded NOT donated.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

The real secret to a successful relationship is NOT trust, it’s trustworthiness.

We advise each other to be trusting more often than we advise each other to be trustworthy.

Yet often, our distrust is a clue that there are inconsistencies and incoherencies in the behaviors and stories of our partners.

Some people’s lives just don’t make sense.

There is this part of their life story that is never mentioned, it’s always kept in the closet and you can’t just help but wonder why?

It’s like they have doors that should never be opened, and if you ask for the keys they say “trust me, there is nothing inside.”

If there is really nothing behind that door, why do you work so hard to keep it locked?

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

Be careful of such people.

A healthy relationship is one that is made up of trustworthy people NOT just trusting people.

Invest in trust: stop behaving suspiciously and blame your partner for being distrustful.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

Guard Trust: a trust built through years of good works can be lost in a moment of suspicion.

Restore Trust: Remember it takes long to restore trust after it’s lost.

An apology may trigger forgiveness, but it takes more than just an apology to trigger trust.

You have to change, NOT for a day, sometimes NOT even for years but forever.

An apology is just words. But –

You can’t talk your way out of a situation you behaved yourself into.

– STEPHEN COVEY

5. Kindness is the Sweetest Sign of a Healthy Relationship

Be the reason someone believes in the goodness of people.

– KAREN SALMANSOHN

You don’t have to be intelligent, rich, or famous to do that. You only have to be kind.

You only need to be kind enough to hold your partner’s happiness with the same importance as yours.

Your partner’s happiness is NOT more important than yours, but it’s also NOT less important either.

Knowing that other people’s happiness matters as much as yours, will create for you more happiness and pleasantness than you could ever find by believing that only your happiness matters.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

Kindness is a crucial sign of a healthy relationship.

It’s Kindness that makes you feel welcome in your partner’s life, and makes your partner feel welcome in yours.

If you feel like it’s a favor being in your partner’s life, or it feels like your partner is doing you a favor to be in yours – that’s a sign that your relationship is more mean than kind.

Kindness makes you feel valued. Stop treating as a priority, the person who treats you as an option.

You know a relationship is healthy when being in it inspires you to see that you are a special person too just like that person you call special to you.

You might NOT mean much to the whole world, but to that one special person, you should feel that you mean the whole world.

That is a sign of a healthy relationship, and when you find it, cherish it. Be the right person to your right person.

6. Supporting Each Other is a Sign of a Healthy Relationship

Let me be frank.

Whether you are already husband and wife or still boyfriend and girlfriend,

If it’s NOT to inspire, motivate, and support each other, then you don’t have a reason to be together.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

Forget competition, think collaboration.

The real goal of love is coming together to make each other better.

If you think you can do just as great on your own, then you don’t yet know the power and purpose of love.

Supporting each other as a couple is born from a mutual desire to see the other win, and the desire to be the help your partner needs to achieve that win.

• If you can share your dreams and watch them grow bigger because of your partner’s encouragement…
• If you can tell your partner your wish to start a business and see them send you links of products you could love to sell…
• If your partner asks for your CV/Resume and helps send it around in search of better career opportunities for you…
• If you can stand together through life’s challenges, strengthening each other to go through them rather than feeling like your partner is slipping away at a time when you need them the most…
• If your partner is among the people who clap when you win…

That’s a big sign of a healthy relationship.

Anything opposite to that is frenemy (friendship mixed with enmity)

Believe me, You don’t want a friend who is an enemy.

A friend makes the worst kind of enemy, because he/she knows everything about you, knows your weaknesses, and has your trust.

If you can’t support each other as a couple, then you are NOT lovers. Deep inside, your souls are enemies merely glued together by an attraction that your bodies feel when next to each other.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

7. Friendship is a Fundamental Sign of a Healthy Relationship

How did you know she was the one?

I once asked a friend of mine concerning his happy marriage.

“On our first date,” began his response with a joyful smile, “she ordered this huge double beef burger! 🍔

Then she opened her mouth hippo wide and took a big bite!

Right at that moment I knew I wanted to marry her

Most girls act like supermodels especially on first dates. But her authenticity was just too rare and attractive to let pass.”

She was herself in his presence.

A friend is someone with whom you can be yourself without the fear of losing him/her.

If you have to pretend…

If you have to hide your real self just to keep your relationship, you haven’t yet found a friend.

When there is friendship in your love, your relationship becomes as fun as play.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

We are often too serious in love. Too romantic. (And yes even too erotic).

And that can be exhausting to keep up.

It’s like we have this belief that a relationship should be consistently out of this world and a marriage should be heaven.

I don’t understand what makes Mother Earth deserve all the hate we so often give her.

I know Earth isn’t perfect but being “out of this world,” means being in some airless space filled with darkness, because that’s all there is out of this planet. And that sounds more suffocating than romantic.

My point is: it’s beautiful to have a relationship that feels magically out of this world but if you want it to last, your relationship should be able to “come down to earth” and still be fun.

If you can’t just sit down together and talk about the simple daily stuff of life, your relationship may NOT be as healthy as you think.

Don’t complicate love. Keep it simple.

Sometimes love is just talking about the president and laughing at his big head.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

It’s talking about the possibility of life on Mars, and even wondering if aliens are real.

Love is most fun when you can talk to your partner about things you wish to share with a friend because your partner is that friend.

Being romantic takes you “out of this world,” but being friends is the only “down to earth” tool to staying forever joyful in love.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

Friendship is the purest love and the most underrated form of medication.

Without friendship, it’s easy to feel lonely in love.

Friendship is more than just knowing the other person deeply; it is the joy of finding the you that was deeply hidden in the person you are getting to know.

– MOFFAT MACHINGURA

It is finding that you are NOT the only one who loves what you love, and finds joy in whatever makes you joyful.

Friendship is that ingredient in a love relationship that stops you feeling like you are alone in this world.

Remember without friendship, even love feels like a lonely place.

The End

So there you have it! The 7 signs that scream “you got a good one” when it comes to relationships.

Heads up! Next time, we’ll dive into how to be less clingy and more independent in your love life. 

Wanna know the secret to a super strong connection? Stay tuned and subscribe for the next post!

P.S. Share this wisdom with your besties! You never know, you might just help someone find their happily ever after.